Why am I so much worse?

Idk, this may be stupid. Anyway, I’ve got a cousin that wasn’t known the best for productivity. He was lazy af. I shamed him for it for some reason when I was no better. Now I’m feeling envy for him. He’s very social, gaming all the time with friends and stuff. He’s gotten into a dubbing circle that will apparently pay him to dub things. He decided to spend the next vacation learning computer things and says he is a possible candidate for an employee at a 3d printing store. I’m fucking speechless. All this while I cry about how much homework I get even though I just write it off the net. He’s also working in a theatre thing and gonna be performing in a theatre in our fucking capital soon. I’m so envious of him I’m so fucking jealous it’s killing me. He’s got such a wide choice of friends, he talks to them everyday. He’s got it all. I asked him why he does the thestre thing and he said its to have it on his CV or something. He’s thinking about his fucking future. All while I’m being childlish as ever. Am I supposed to be this childlish? Should I be forced to think differently? I can’t imagine working, I’m much lazier than him, I have always been and I hate it. No matter what I do I victimize myself not to do a thing. And if I do, I fucking do it so badly. I’m horrible with people, I’m horrible looking. Oh and guess what, my cousin who was 20kg more than me is now almost the same as me and it makes me fucking break down, I mean I guess congrats? I mean grandma moved in with us and I scavenge everywhere to find shit to eat everyday so I’m not suprised I’m fat. He also can keep up conversations and has a good posture. I couldn’t stand sitting so straight for 5 minutes. He fake laughs with enthusiasm at everything, I feel like it’s so obvious it drives me fucking insane sometimes. He also talks about healthiness like hes a fucking fitness guru, I can’t stand it. Partially because I’m in denial, nah, I know I’m unhealthy as fuck and fat but when someone mentions anything about eating less sweets or exercising I feel the overwhelming urge to bash their head into the floor. It’s so fucking weird and I hate it, I can’t accept anything they will say to me about it. He also doesn’t have well, that many problems. He definitely doesn’t think about life every day. I know there’s bound to be some things he hides but for me. he became the generic always happy and helping character. I’m so fucking jealous of that. I kinda care about him but if I could I’d gladly switch minds. Oh also he knows like *everything* about me, even that I’m depressed tho I doubt he ever took it seriously. I don’t know much about him. All I know is that we’re literal polar opposites. Hes happy, I’m sad, he’s gonna be successful,  I’m gonna go under. Everything I do will be the fruitless version of his actions. I will always be in his shadow. He’s so capable while I’m so dependent. I’m literal garbage compared to him, I don’t understand why I’m still here, it wouldn’t make a difference if I wasn’t. I spend my whole day inside my room anyway, nothing would change if I wasn’t here. I feel like everyone from my famiky oversees that. I’m basically just close to them cause my mom birthed me but that’s about it, or maybe I forgot what connected me with my mom since now that I view everything as futile family just seems to me like just couple people joined by blood, nothing else. Just a random group that has to grow up with each other. Sigh. It’s so dumb, why is that group of strangers limiting me from freeing myself? I don’t even know them, why do they keep saying they love me. I don’t know anything about any of them and I don’t trust them. If so, why would they waste their time on a parasite like me? Can’t wait until they kick me out of the house so I will have nothing and a true reason to die. Before that I gotta write a book throughfully explaining all the shit on my head. I can only hope they’d see it and try to understand, I don’t want them to grieve over a fucking stranger fr. Just because I grew up with you doesn’t mean I’m close, what, all you did was play with me when I was younger, why would we be close anyway.