I am trash, here’s why.
Not only am I fat, (316 pounds of true fatness) but i am ugly (face/body is not symmetrical and symmetry is beauty) and a woman. A womans worth is seen by her attractiveness. However much it sucks, that is a true fact in this world. So I am garbage. By looking at me you’d think what most people on the internet think. That I’m a pig who stuffs her fat face constantly and lazy. The truth is I log everything I eat and have records for months and months that I don’t break 1400 calories a day usually and I exercise a few times a week. But I lose weight, agonizingly slow.
I hate me. Bad skin, thin hair, no ass really or curves with this enormity, just fatness and god’s leftover scraps. Why can’t I just kill myself?
People have said they’ve loved me, I’ve been married. But after the relationships ended all admitted they didn’t, that I was what they settled for.
To the world outside…
I’m sorry that I exist. I’m sorry that I have no courage to eat a bullet. I am sorry that I am an eyesore. Truly I am. This isn’t low self-esteem. This isn’t a quest for sympathy. I just want you all to know that I know I’m garbage and I hate me as much as you do. I hope one day soon I get the courage to rid the world of the mistake of me. Until then I guess we will both just have to tolerate me.
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3 comments
Don’t say you hate yourself, even if it’s true. If you hate yourself there’s no one in left your corner. We’re all alone in the world. Be kind to yourself.
I struggled with a poor self image as a kid. I was an early bloomer and the largest girl in class for years. I developed an eating disorder, and starved myself to the point my hair started falling out and my period stopped. I recovered thanks to the intervention of a very big hearted teacher. In the years after I never reconciled with the idea I wasn’t fat. Much later, of late now, I’ve grown to love and accept my body. And looking back, I have no idea why I ever thought different.
Anyway, it’s not true a woman’s worth is her looks. And if you’re struggling so hard with your self image, I suggest you see a doctor. And take the focus off getting in shape to get attractive. Do it so you don’t develop a heart disease. We all have imperfect bodies. I run 27k a week and I still have a most disproportionate bottom half. I’m covered in scars and stretch marks. It’s okay. And you’re okay too. Don’t attach your self worth to other people’s perceptions of you. It’s a cruel world. The only place you’ll find kindness is in yourself.
You’re not garbage. It is the humans that are garbage for making you feel this way. It is the other people for not accepting you and seeing you as a person.
You are not garbage, the people that look down at you instead of being there and helping you, are garbage. They are projecting themselves to you and you are just being a mirror. There is so much more behind the mirror then what the horrible people project to you.
standards of beauty differ, though in general you are right about a general symmetry being a common factor. One can be too symmetrical though, it’s part of the gap that makes artificial faces look fake.
I have a fat face, normal body, so I get people thinking I’m overweight from seeing my face. I have plenty of friends who are overweight, men and women, they make the best of it.
It’s limiting, taking one aspect and making it the only way to determine value. With my fitness, it would appear I am valuable, but my disabilities are invisible, no less debilitating. Everyone is trying the best they can with what they’ve got. It’s often unspoken, but many people feel they aren’t enough.
It begins to appear that you know how little control you have over some things, like genetics. Which is the germ of realizing it isn’t worth putting much energy into. Your mind and soul are an open door, escape through it.