One of the many factors that make me want to simply stop existing is school. Or rather, the expectations of my superiors – be it, parents or teachers. If a student is stressed to the point that their first reaction to school is utter panic and dread, it should be clear that something is wrong. As I’m currently writing this, I’m trying to stave off the urge to run away as far as I can.
Being forced to do courses for a career I no longer want to get into makes me feel miserable. In fact, everything is going so slow that I’m surprised my recent and first attempt was 2 months ago. I want to live, I really do. It’s just difficult thinking of anything else but to get away from everything.
I want to be seen. I want people to know how much work I’ve done. I want to get high marks like the people I’m friends with and the people I like. I’ve worked to the point that I’ve lost sleep, to the point that I have fainted in class and at home. All these feelings. I feel selfish but I just want good things to happen after 2 years of struggling to even know who I am.
I have a presentation in a few hours that I’m utterly underprepared for… I feel like dissociating. It’s too late to email how overwhelmed I am to even get out of bed.