It’s not that I don’t want to do things, I really do. But I have absolutely no passion or positive drive to do them, or to even make myself happy. I want to consume substances, anything that will cloud my mind long enough so that I have at least a few hours outside of reality so that I can keep rolling on.
I just look at myself and see nothing while everyone else does what they love without a second thought.
Even though I am trying to not abuse alcohol or drugs, I find myself day dreaming or binging Youtube instead. I don’t want to be sober, but I have to be as I would lose my friends if I wasn’t.
What helps you get up in the morning? Or at least helps you deal with all the bullshit?
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I sleep approximately 10-12 hours a day, so when I wake up in the morning it is because I can no longer stay asleep. Also, my stomach tends to hurt first thing in the morning.
When I get up I prepare myself a mixture of 50/50 milk/coffee, and take my morning medications. When I do this I slip into a sort of haze which lasts for several lovely hours, so that is working for me right now,
in a month or two I’m hoping to get up early to go out on long bicycle treks through rural locations, spotting birds and wildflowers.
In a perfect world I’d have a lap pool, and before my morning coffee I’d do a few laps, then another few in the afternoon. Swimming is the greatest pleasure I’ve ever had regular access to, in the past anyway.