Over it?

Ive had so many talks with my husband….

we did marriage counseling for a bit, but then that was too much for him. Realistically he needs individual counseling to work through a boat load of childhood trauma, ptsd, and to understand his ADHD and alcoholism better (as well as how it impacts those around him), but hes resistant to that. When I forced him into individual counseling briefly (after he passed out drunk in our back yard in the middle of the day scaring the crap out of our neighbor) he always blamed me for making him go and accused me of trying to build a case to take the kids away from him. Truth be told – there was/is a good case to be made for that sometimes but Im not driving any false narrative around it. Hes digging that hole all on his own.

I say that, but I also know that he loves our children dearly and would never intentionally cause them harm, but he does some really stupid shit and doesnt even acknowledge its stupid.

I really dont feel like I ask for a whole lot – 15 minutes a day consistently to help in keeping up with the upkeep of the house, but he always turns it back on me in that “he doesnt ask me to do anything, why do I keep bugging him about the shit he doesnt do”.

he has never once put away a load of laundry for the kids. our oldest will be 5 next month. He has packed her lunch for school/daycare maybe 3 times? he REFUSES to read a book to them (because he doesnt want the 4 year old to make fun of him for reading slowly… not that she would ever do that because she is a literal angel most of the time, but also like – theyre kids books not Shakespeare… maybe practice your reading skills????)

He tells me Im doing too much (which is true), but never has an answer on what tasks I can let go. He doesnt see how unbalanced our house is.

I am the primary person to complete meal planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning, budgeting, scheduling, medical coordination, insurance tasks, pretty much anything that requires any type of administrative work I will be the one doing it. He goes to work. He sometimes helps swap some laundry or load/unload the dishwasher. He will tell me its time for maintenance on his vehicle but will not either do it himself or schedule it done without me reminding him or scheduling it myself.

Now he works a blue collar job, its a lot on his body and hes sore a lot. I dont begrudge him needing more down time because he has a physically demanding job, however he also makes very minimal effort to get out of the position he complains non stop about. and I still dont think asking for 15 minutes a day to assist with household upkeep is unreasonable….

he shares regularly that suicidal thoughts are a problem he deals with as well. anti-anxiety medications made them significantly worse for him. Hes on adhd meds now which is helping, but I dont think hes at quite the right dose yet. His dr is working with him on that. I dont feel like I can honestly share a lot of things with him, and even when I try he often talks over me or interrupts me which is a HUGE pet peeve of mine (im introverted, I consider what Im going to say quite a bit before I actually speak it and its so frustrating to be continually cut off when Im trying to share something I think is important).

Ive considered leaving him a number of times, but shared custody sounds like a nightmare and thats really not something I ever wanted for my children… Even if I could get sole custody then my kids still lose out on having their father in their lives and it just feels like lose-lose.

Im not as upset today, but this chronic back and forth stress to the point that I feel like breaking is wearing on me..