(I promise the intro is relevant)
Being told I was a gifted kid in elementary and middle school was such bullshit! All I did was read and kind of understand assignments sometimes and because of that I never developed any sort of work ethic, or probably any ethics in general.
Now as a senior (literally 3 months from graduating, its so close and so far) I can’t do anything. I skip half my classes, don’t do my homework unless I’m actively in class, smoke weed all day, and am generally a tumor on my family’s hard work. Every generation has put in so much into bettering the next and yet I can’t even get my head out of my ass enough to recognize that! I’m going to college next year, not because I really want to, but because it’s “the right thing to do”. I’m going to get a good enough job, again, because it’s what I should do.
And yet, with the future looming ahead and just 3 months left to finish everything off, I can’t seem to do anything. There seems to be few options left except to either keep going and try to find some kind of meaning or just end it. I’ve made plans, but too scared to actually commit to them.
Nothing has any interest to me and I’m scared, yet somehow apathetic at the same time. The world has gone from an open book of possibilities to a greyscale hell. I’m tired. This is so draining. If this is what being human is then what the hell were my parents thinking, having me?
Anyway, it’s a bad time.
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My experience in high school was awful, so much so that I dropped out sophomore year. My teachers told my parents “some people aren’t suited to high school”, and they were right. Things got a little worse for a bit, then better, switching my whole adult life between the least I can expect out of myself and the most.
It’s not an indicator of further academic success in my case, I got an associates then a bachelor’s degree. My teachers had no doubt at all that I would continue to grad school, but I’m undecided what I want to work on. My last two years of college were great though. I kept a 3.9 GPA up through that whole time, served as vice president of a student organization, and worked as a research assistance. Even got sponsored to present my research at two national conferences.
It made a difference when I got the right incentives, the right motivation to get stuff done. Problem is now I’ve used it up, but you’ve got to make hay while the sun shines, functional years are a rare gift in my life.
Late teens and early 20s suck, that’s the “normal” experience. My sister in law is in that time period of her life, it’s rough to watch, but I know I felt just as lost at that age. Time goes on. Some of the things you think people care about is all smoke and mirrors.
If you’ve realized life is going to suck some of the time, you’re ahead of the game. I meet young people with boundless ambition, and the whole time I’m thinking “Life is going to gut check them hard.”
Family pressure for academic success is such a suffocation. More than their words their silent expectations kill us. The only escape I found from this was recognizing my individuality. Their expectation is THEIR thing, not mine. Religion as well as law grant me an individuality separate from parents and society. Under that my expectations, dreams, failures, regrets are my own. Which gives me freedom to change them as I wish.