Lately i’m not sure how i’m feeling, whether it’s really high, highs or really low, lows. I keep getting confused by the highs and think oh i’m getting better and then being proved wrong by the lows. I’ve dealt with a lot of past trauma, that being a lot of sexual abuse by people who i trusted and thought were there to protect me but realizing that i shouldn’t been protected by them instead was the hard part. I can’t remember when the sexual abuse started and i can’t remember who the first person was. I remember most people who have done it, my uncle, my step dad, and my cousin. I’m just not sure of the order. I can remember details of who and what and how but never the correct time line and i absolutely hate it i want to remember when instead of feeling like maybe i’m lying about when and not telling the entire truth. (not sure how the subject changed but it’s a vent post so oh well) Getting molested multiple times before even reaching double digits hurt. Knowing my mother had walked in on her brother on top of me while my face was being pressed on the ground hurt and i watched her walk in and i remember the horror in her eyes. The pain and the anger rushing through her. That’s the only one she knew about and stopped. He got caught and was arrested, got out on October 20th 2021. The day after my birthday unfortunately so that was a great birthday present. Oh and the fact that he’s done that for years and told me “if you tell anyone they’ll send both of us to jail” Yeah great speech Andrew. Really worked for ya didn’t it. OH and the lawyer HA he’s fucking stupid. Found out he tried arguing that i, a (7-9?) child “forced” myself onto him??? Yeah right a little girl who was trying to watch her siblings and help out her family forced herself onto a 30 year old man. Such stupidity. Later on in my life i had told her about what my step dad did, it wasn’t easy. We never really talked about it either and i’m not sure if i’m thankful we haven’t or upset because it still eats me up inside. That happened for a few years. He was a horrible person, a horrible father, a horrible boyfriend to her, a horrible brother. Just a lousy excuse for a person. I really hope he lands himself back in prison. At first i was fine with him trying to peek at me in the shower and try and do things when nobody was around in 2019 but when i left and found out what he had done to my siblings? My god the blood coursing through my veins made me so angry, as if i physically saw red. They never deserved that. And he wants to see them too? HA as if “i’ve changed and i want to be a father again” Bull-fucking-shit. You can’t be a father. You put hands on fucking 5 year old and think oh yeah three years later i’ve learned my lesson. He never deserved a family in the first place. God i really hope they get what comes for them, i hope they realize what they did and live with it. I hope they stay up at night thinking about the trauma and horrors they put children through. I hope it eats them up inside and makes their skin crawl. Just like it does to mine. How it makes my body feel so disgusting, how could that happen to a child YOU were supposed to protect. To a child YOU were supposed to be a father figure too. There’s no excuse to the actions of a monster.
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As a fellow incest survivor, I hear you loud and clear.
I hear your anger and anger is a good thing. No one had the right to touch you. No one. You have every single right in the world to be furious. When I was in the early stages of recovery, I learned that anger is the cornerstone of healing. The monsters that hurt you were and still are wrong for what they did.
I hear your confusion. It’s ok if you don’t remember who did what and when and in what order. I understand the need to know and I spent years beating my head into a brick wall trying to remember the details. Some came but some did not. They may never come. Over time, I learned that it did not matter what I could remember. What mattered is what I felt and who I became as a result of what happened. It also mattered how I chose to live my life now.
I found a free group that helped me so much – it was a self help group called Survivors of Incest Anonymous. I went to many of their conferences and met so many good people there. The nice thing is they have a phone line (free, too) called the Coming Home phone line. A person can call that and just listen or talk. Although it is a 12 step program, of which a “higher power” is a part, no one has to believe in a higher program for it to help. Maybe check into it.
You are not alone and this was NEVER your fault. The people who did this may never feel guilt or remorse – my main perpetrator died a rich and happy man. That makes me angry, but I guide my life now, not him…. and not the memories of him. Unfortunately, these people who do these horrible things have no conscious and it’s hard to feel anything resembling guilt when one has no conscious. It’s not right and it’s not fair and it makes me mad that there are people like that in the world. It makes me mad that they hurt people like you and me and so many others I have met.
Thank you for sharing your story and keep right on talking. I hear you and I care.