there is really no one

i dont know whether it is worse to be completely alone, or to have people in your life who act like theyre there for you but know they never are. its not even about going to someone when youre sad and need someone to talk to, its about them actually choosing to spend time with you and all of that.

I feel like as i go on i realise that, as much as it is nice for people to be there for you when youre sad, its better for people to actually want to be with you. I have friends that are the opposite of that. they act like theyre there for me but really theyre not.
i could go to anyone in the world crying and of course they would try to comfort me. but i cant go to anyone in the world and spend time and have fun with them and cheer myself up with them.

and i have a boyfriend who i know cares but it feels like hes lazy and is too compliant. as in, he never asks to spend time with me unless i tell him he should do that. and even then he does it once and forgets. he barely texts me first during the day and he spends the schoolday with his friends and then later when i call him he tries to leave early to spend time with his friends again.

I know i sound like a typical angsty teenager but what im trying to say is that i have people in my life, but no one actually cares enough to choose to spend time with me. its not about them caring when im sad, it about them caring for me even when im happy.