I think meds fucked me up bad

All I know is it has never been this bad. I’ve had thoughts of suicide for years but not like this. Not groaning on the fucking floor in agony wondering how deep I can jab sharp objects into myself. Or how many times. And i try to remember what changed in the last year. Literally nothing except last year they put me on meds. The shit fucked me up almost immediately so I took myself off it after 2 weeks. But my fucking brain is porridge. What am I supposed to do, go back to the doc so they can experiment with something else? We’re still in the goddamn dark ages. Bloodletting, leeches, drilling holes… and pumping new chemicals that don’t work except to drive people to suicide. I guess that’s one way to cure it