From what I’ve experienced thru my life, I’ve been thinking of suicide and almost romanticizing it since I was in 8th grade. Death is rest and death is peace. We do everything In life to reach peace. Pay bills for basic needs, go to work to pay for the basic needs, work for money to reach financial peace. What if that loop can be broken? Or should I strive to make more money to be able to buy extra things that bring momentary happiness? I can’t imagine a world of peace without nothingness. I’m stuck in this loop that I had no choice but to be apart of- yet looked down upon if I choose not to be part of. Life will always find a way to put you down. I know this reality that we call “reality” is not it’s final form. Psychedelics have taught me peace in that aspect but dissipates soon after the effects wear off.
I am a very creative person and I love music, specifically making beats on my computer. I like to draw and more but I’ve been taught by my own conscious that I will never be successful in those things yet part of me thinks what I make is skilled and good. I wish others could see my vision and even myself. Why am I even posting this or writing this nothing matters. Why should you care. Why should i care anymore. I wanna go on a high speed chase and die driving 160miles on the highway. I fantasize dying. I know it will hurt. Why am I so confused, I’m diseased. I wish my bipolar was like Kanye’s, sadly mines the opposite and my brain wants me to finish this chapter. My next attempt will be final and no longer considered an attempt. I love you. I miss you mom where ever you are. If only I had you to hold me.
3 comments
Love this. Really love this.
Agreed death is peace, since it’s non-existence for eternity. However, life is something special, unique and wonderful. But it’s a double-edged sword, it can also be painful, hard and terrible.
How good one’s life is really depends on the circumstances that one is born into. If you have mid to upper class parents with resources who can provide for all of your needs, then generally speaking you’ll have a great and happy life.
If you’re born into a lower class, esp. to uneducated parents who abuse drugs, alcohol, etc. then your life will consist of deprivation, envy (of those who have it better), sadness, misery, suffering and so on. Then ofc there are mental and physical health issues that can make it worse.
While I’m educated in the applied science field, I’ve always loved music and the arts and admired those who can create it. There is a lot of competition in the field, but if you feel you are unique and talented then I’d suggest to keep working on it and maybe one day your work will be recognized. Oh also watch out for thieves who’ll steal your work and claim it as their own.
Art, music, science, the beauty of the world and women have been some of the reasons that have made me want to keep living. At the same time I came from a lower income family, suffered in many ways and I think it made me doubly suicidal because I wanted to get the best that life has to offer but couldn’t largely because of my lower socioeconomic bkgd.
Only recently have I entered the ranks of the middle class through hard work but now my best years are behind me and I’m trying to cobble together a semblance of the life I wish I could’ve had when I was much younger.
Death is always there. It’s an “easy” escape from a terrible life, but while we’re alive, why not smell the flowers and if you can’t be a millionaire for instance, even with limited funds one can still experience many good things that life has to offer. And then once you’ve had your fill, you can die knowing that you did the best you could and lived a fairly full life.
Ofc if one’s situation is truly horrible, with incurable problems like extreme mental or physical health issues, dire poverty, being so physically repugnant to others so that literally nobody wants to be with you, then life is not worth living and a hasty exit is better, rather than to suffer in anguish and sadness.
It’s just not true. Don’t do that to yourself.
I’m diseased with sadness too.
You and me, we can pull through it together