This will either be the end or the start

        I have avascular necrosis in my hip caused by pregnancy. The only cure is a hip replacement. The problem is, I have a phobia way more crippling than my hip. I thought it was a needle phobia until this hip thing (although hindsight held many clues that it was more than that) and I was facing a pound of metal and cement in my body that I can never get out or touch again. It’s a phobia of foreign objects in my body. It’s incredibly rare and doesn’t have a name. I’ve only found a handful of people online who have it. Ive faced this reality for months, vowed to kill myself before I go through this, but also knowing I can only ignore it so long before the joint snaps off. And then it’ll be a much different situation.
        Knowing this, I got the pre-labs. I got stuck 9 times. I wanted to die every stab. If you can look away from a needle and get through it, that’s not a phobia. A real fear deserving of respect nonetheless, but still not a phobia. Nothing helps. I take xanax, but even taking 12mg (not a typo), I was still hysterical. BUT I FUCKING DID IT.
8am this morning, my husband calls and says he cancelled my surgery. He was worried what it would do to my mental health, I guess.
          I told him I was scared. I even thought for a long time I’d probably kill myself if I went through with it. But it’s gonna break anyway, and I’ll have to. I had the best surgeon on this side of the country, the only one to offer a different implant for young people who need them to last longer. I was scared to the point of death. Now I’m more scared not having it. I’ll be crippped the rest of my life. I have kids I can’t take care of because of this hip. My oldest son has to take care of the younger ones. I have a “station” set up by my recliner so I can change diapers and dress them, but he has to do everything else. It’s not fair to him.
          My mom is at the doctor’s office now trying to do damage control. I told my husband not to come home. I’m too angry. I can’t go through those labs again, and if they can’t get the surgery scheduled back on the day, or in the next 30 days, the labs won’t work. So if my mom can’t get this fixed, I’ll be dead as soon as I find a sitter. Because I won’t keep putting my kids through this while waiting for my hip joint to shatter. Im already end stage. There’s nowhere for me to go. But if she fixes this, I swear I will never consider suicide again. No matter how bad things get, because if this is insurmountable and I overcome it, I’ll be unstoppable. Fucking unstoppable.
          This is the make or break day for the rest of my life. And I want to make it, but without giving specifics or ideas, I am fully and completely prepared to take my life today.
And I came here because nobody is listening. I’ve never had a voice my entire life. I’ve never been listened to my entire life. Now is no different.
          But if you did read and listen, thank you. From the depths of my soul. You’re the only one who hears me, and right now, that means everything.