I really think I wanted to be a human. I wanted to feel like I was treated like another human being. Like I wasn’t so special, different, strange, weird or out of the ordinary. Not exactly to fit in, but be in the middle if that makes any sense. But, I’m honestly too tired at this point to try and get better. I have been trying. I was trying just last night. But really, I think this will just do me good. This loop has been going on forever and never seems to even want to end. So much hope is promised to me by others false promises, and even false hope I’ve given myself.
But, now I’m scared of people in general. I regret ever letting myself be a human in front of others. I regret letting myself speak or not letting myself speak. I regret ever letting a single opinion or thought or emotion out. I regret letting myself be vulnerable in front of others. I’m always ridiculed for it anyway.
Even if (or with my luck when) this attempt fails, I have a plan to get out of here.
That’s all I want to write here
3 comments
Are you planning to kill yourself?
I’m here to listen, or you can call me
Please don’t give up tonight
I feel this a lot. Every thought alone in my head or expressed vocally can become a point of embarrassment and shame for me. I want to be human like that but it feels wrong and scary. Im too alone now to be ridiculed so much but I’m familiar enough with it. I’m hoping the best for you