I was going to kill myself today, but the queen died.

In summary, I had everything planned out for me to die today. I had all the materials, the steps, literally everything in place for my third attempt. However, I was taking a bit to take action and actually begin, then I waited a little bit longer because I chickened out, and then I saw it. The queen died. It feels like a cosmic message to me, as I see all this commotion and all the different people that feel sad over her death. I imagine my family will feel a similar sort of shock, to have a 16 year old dead by suicide. That one cousin, grandchild, son, nephew that will never be seen breathe again. It sounds dreadful. I still battle through some remaining suicidal thoughts, but they all come to an end when I think of the possible suffering I’ll be causing to my family and acquaintances. God, imagine having a friend that suicided. Like, one moment they’re there texting you, then BAM, they’re a memory. Just a corpse. Dead. Forever just rotting, decaying matter. One moment a soul, another just worm’s food. I don’t know about you guys on here but that’s scary at least to me. Now, tomorrow I’ll have another opportunity to die which honestly I might just take it to see what happens but still, I feel like it’s a shared experienced of ours to contemplate suicide battling through the very very scary thoughts of making our friends and family sad, as well as having to face whatever the f*ck is on the other side. And yeah, if it weren’t for all that queen ruckus I wouldn’t have thought again about the consequences of death.