It has been 1 year 7 months since my suicide attempt. During one morning heading to work, while I was on the escalators I marvelled at the sight of people around me and thought to myself, “Wow, what a sight! This would not be possible if I was still alive.” I recalled that it was a serious attempt in which I ended up in hospital. I would then notice how it feels ‘strange’ to still be alive.
This feeling of strangeness would visit me on the rare occassion, and I’m not sure how to react. But I simply brushed it off, as if it were a butterfly. My life feels different now, knowing I really, really, really wanted to die, so much that I took action.
But now that I am an empty husk again, I can recall that this emptiness was one of the many feelings that eventually led to that tragic attempt. If I don’t protect myself, that is what will happen again. And this time I’ll be smart enough not to voice to my friends how much I am suffering, removing the chance for them call the ambulance.