very triggering child sex abuse post

so i was born in the early seventies and my father molested me. my very catholic mother knew but never protected me or helped me.

life at my age now has become very scary and i feel so alone and lonely most of the time. i went on disability and once you are on that, people often treat you like you’re a leper. some don’t. i feel ashamed of how my life went and how bad my symptoms were and the lack of support.

i am scared now all the time. i feel so hopeless , dark, and alone. i want to move down south to be near my best friend, another survivor, and away from my abuser. he is still alive and still controlling me. im afraid if i move it will be a disaster.

being alone so much is hard for me. getting a dog or a cat would help some i guess, but i would still be so alone. i want so badly to open up to people and be loved for who i am.

i pray constantly and my mental illness torments me. i have no idea what to do. i did therapists and pills and nothing ever healed me. i dont know how to heal her and ive tried.

when the terror comes it is so dark and deep. all those years in the dark and my mother knew but did nothing as he hurt me. why. why.

i am too terrified to kill myself but life is unbearable. i pray god will not leave me alone. i blame myself for everything and my sad life choices. once i went on disability it was a downward spiral to where i am now. i feel like a nothing.

the life i had in the past is gone. i pushed people away. to be my age and like this watching others have a good life wondering all these things alone is tormenting.

i have no idea why i am kept alive to be denied all that is good and to mostly suffer unbearably alone .

i wish it would end and god would take me home.