I’ve been thinking of death all night. But painful ones are scary and painless ones are so hard to find. When I think of suicide by hanging, choking or jumping off, I’ll pee in my pants.
I’m a coward who wants to die.
I know I’m not depressed, I just feel like there is no longer a meaning in life.
When I think of death, I’ll think of my son. Will he be okay if I die? But he is 17 and staying with my mom. So what is there to think of?
Is me wanting death, is just me seeking for attention? But from who? Whose attention am I worthy of?
Am I depressed? No.
Am I seeking for attention? No.
All I ask is for a painless death, preferably in my sleep.
I once took a whole bottle of amitriptyline but all I got was nausea and a super dry mouth.
So much for bing telling me it’s a way to a painless death.
Did it work? Obviously I’m still alive and kicking.
So here it is my journey to find a painless death on another sleepless night.
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2 comments
Suicide happens when the pain of life outweighs the pain you’ll go through in death. When things are so bad that even a painful death seems nice. It sounds like you aren’t there yet, and maybe thats a good thing.
If you’re here and thinking of suicide often, however, you probably actually are depressed. It might help you to admit that.
Have you been giving yourself enough attention? Been exercising, eating healthy, taking showers, clean clothes, brush teeth, working on goals, etc. ? If not, that might be a place to start. Give yourself the attention you need.
Good luck, much love, much respect
“Psy-ache” is the main driver of suicide, pain that doesn’t come from the body, but the mind. Unfortunately this is part of the issue of marginalization and stigma towards suicidal people. Ordinary people, even if they have experienced it, are gaslighted into thinking it’s all in their head, and therefor ours also.
I’m not going to provide any proactive methods. It’s just that there are some problems with trying to OD on over the counter medications. The process of getting a drug approved to be over the counter is demonstrating how non toxic it is. Which means you have to take more to shut down vital organs, which means a high chance of unpleasant long term side effects.
It just won’t be painless, not with over the counter or many highly toxic substances.
I’m all for you seeking your own death, it is your right. Just…. I’ve known so many people who make their lives worse (because that is a thing), and got no closer to freedom.
“seeking attention” has always been a bad faith assessment of suicidality, to justify inhumane treatment of the suicidal. Yes, sometimes suicidal people aren’t entirely committed to the whole death thing. They might want to be talked out of it. That’s not “seeking attention”, it’s being marginalized.
Is there anything that can be done for the sleeplessness though? because I get much more suicidal when I lose sleep, to the point that my doctors closely monitor my sleep meds to make sure they’re working. Some of those drugs also help with the psy-ache I have experienced.
Sleep is wonderful, a dry run for death with far less consequences.