I am not a child anymore.
I have not seen or spoken to these people in years.
They do not affect me. They SHOULD not affect me. They have NO bearing on my life— I need them out of my head. I don’t want to think about it, I don’t want to REMEMBER any of it, because it DOES NOT MATTER ANYMORE.
I don’t want to keep revisiting these things, unbidden. I have long since removed myself from the source, but somehow it keeps following me in my mind, creeping in without rhyme or warning.
It should not take so long to rid my body of so little poison, but it persists, hiding like a cancer, and creeping it’s way back in.
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not sure if my method is the healthiest, but it works for me;
you can’t run from intrusive thoughts. To be clear you can absolutely try, but they always catch back up.
So the best that can be done is picking how you confront them. Write about them, talk about them, sit and relive them and try to find different ways to think of them. The point is your brain is capable of processing them, and you can choose the time and method.
Emotions, memories, etc. don’t respect reason or practicality. They need tending, and they’ll get it one way or another. In time you can say to them; “I’ve set aside a time to deal with you, wait” and they’ll obey.
“So the best that can be done is picking how you confront them. Write about them, talk about them, sit and relive them and try to find different ways to think of them.” So you’re saying we have to think differently about our past? Not sure we can force ourselves to change our way of thinking. And even then, what is the “right” way to think about our past?
my method is exposure, however that can be done, that’s the way I do it. I like to think of my bad memories like a physical wound. If left to fester, they get infected and difficult.
Maybe it’s my prior self harm, but the minute I find one, I want it gone, sealed away. So I pick at it, look for all the ways it can hurt. When I can poke at it without wincing, I step away. It pops back up I do the whole damn thing again. Now when I look back at those memories they feel like they happened to someone else, I don’t feel a thing.
I’ve heard of a version of your method that I truly believe works, but the only problem is it requires another (trusted) person. I think a lot of us fall short of that requirement.
The idea is the same as what you said, exposure, but it’s critical that when you replay these bad memories it’s done in a very happy, comfortable, calming environment. Otherwise if you relive these thoughts by yourself, you might end up digging the trauma deeper.
So the method would involve a very, very trusted individual–someone who instills you with a feeling of security by there mere presence. And once you’re settled into your favorite setting, listening to your favorite music or petting your favorite dog and eating your favorite candy bar, you would tell this (favorite) person about your trauma. The person would gradually ask you questions, leading you deeper into the memory but always reassuring you that it’s over and that you’re now safe.
Essentially it’s almost like a Pavlovian conditioning. Talk about your trauma, get a reward, repeat.
In theory it’s brilliant. But in practice… like I said it all hinges on this trusted person who can calmly lead you through the thorns while giving you nonstop positive feedback. A regular therapist won’t do. Even a loved one might not be able to do it. I’ve never met anyone who could. So alas, while it sounds great on paper, that’s where it stays.
“The person would gradually ask you questions, leading you deeper into the memory but always reassuring you that it’s over and that you’re now safe.” How does that help someone who knows the past is the past, but is anxious about the future though? The past is done, so yes there is trauma from that, but the anxiety is the worry about the future. How does going into the past help with future worries? In my case it’s lack of money and declining health. Short of a good amount guaranteed income for life, for me, I would always be anxious and worry about the future and never feel safe. I’m disabled so I can’t rely on myself to earn a consistent income for the rest of my life. And with my health, I cannot deal with more health shit. And no one can “guarantee” that I’ll be safe/ok.
well maybe your way may help some people. sadly for me, i’m screwed :'(
True, smoothing over the past won’t help with the future. But if you’re like me, being attacked from both sides, I’ll take a relief from either front.
My problem is severe ptsd that renders me incapable of simple tasks that would help me build a future. Just to give you 1 example: driving a car. My past traumas make that simple ass task impossible. And without being able to drive a car, I can’t get a job, can’t socialize, can’t do anything to save my future. That’s just 1 example of many. So in a sense the past and the future are tied together.
In any case it doesn’t matter since I don’t even have someone to help me overcome the past. But in a parallel universe where I had real help, I think I could’ve fixed this.
PS It sounds like we’re both suffering from the same thing that makes recovery impossible. The ‘wounds’ are still open and bleeding. So you’re right, it’s ridiculous to try any therapeutic cure while new traumas are being made each day. It’s like sweeping the floor in a dust storm.
I have PTSD too (among a whole host of other issues) so yes, I get being attacked from both sides. Hell, it’s BC we are attacked from both sides that’s making it all so hellish.
And yes, neither of us and likely no one here has that kind of “friend” who would hold our hand and help us through it. If we did, we wouldn’t all be so damned depressed.
woah wait a minute, we were talking about dealing with past issues and you’ve brought up anxiety about the future. Different things entirely. Future anxiety is something I also struggle with. Most of my therapists have tried to pull me to be more present focus, and there is some peace in that. I have food and shelter today, tomorrow I’ll worry about then.
again though, still a struggle. Health and finances declining. Nothing is certain. I guess I might be a bit less worried lately as I realize how truly little I need. I don’t need to spend a lot of money on stuff like food, I’m trying to transition cheaper, eat less meat, more rice and beans. It’s nearly impossible to starve on rice and beans.
though I currently have a house, I’ve planned for what I’d do without it. I’d find some land to park a camper of some kind, or maybe a yurt. Point is, as long as I’ve got a warm place to sleep I can keep going. Point is I know how to camp successfully. It’s not luxury, or even what I consider “normal” now, but my anxiety has made me a detailed student of what I would do with less, and less.
plus as long as I can keep my books dry, I’ll be entertained.