Its 4 am, im on my own. Im drunk. I started to “fix it” by snorting an assortment of drugs i have in my nightstand. Things have been looking down at me for the past few weeks, but it has been bareable. Right now im lost. Like i said, im all on my own tonight. I have all that i need and more with in arms reach. I dont want to kill myself but i am more than ready to die. Tonight the alcohol, drugs and blades seem like such a comfortable thing. It seems like the right thing to do tonight, eventhough i KNOW its not. Its hard to keep thinking locically when getting so fucked up im paralyzed seems like such a nice thing. Tonight i willingly got into someones car while knowing he had way too much to drink, thinking “i kinda hope he crashes this car and kills us all” Im fucked up, mentally and physically. Something in me hopes i pass out before i od, but od’ing is my main goal tonight. In case i die: im sorry i couldnt hold on. In case i survive: im sorry i wasnt strong enough.
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6 comments
aw, why are you feeling this way tonight dear? i have no words of advice, just that i have read your post and feel you.
please hold on, my dear brother, I beg you do not lose hope. As Churchill said, “if you’re going through hell, keep going”
I’m sorry you’re in such a scary place right now. I hope you can make it through the night. Regardless of what happens, you don’t need to be sorry. I hope you can find your strength.
I do hope you make it out of this. Please stay strong.
I have no experience with drugs, except alcohol and some weed….I think the drugs are just going to amplify your pain/suffering…it’s way worse if you haven’t gotten proper sleep or food.
I’d suggest to cut out all the drugs including alcohol…then reassess your life, after you’ve gotten some rest and food.
It makes a lot of difference. Lately I haven’t been sleeping well and have been more down/suicidal than usual.
In fact I know it’s the right answer…but I just go on mostly for family…because I think it’d be a huge loss for them.
Some days I feel better and more motivated to achieve some big goals/dreams I still have…but given my age (50), it seems less likely I’ll pull it off.
If you have nothing to live for, like people in your life, I understand. I honestly don’t look forward to the prospect of dying…but sometimes living is worse…but I’m not there just yet.
Plus I need to get a ‘kit’ together anyways, I’m far from ready. Anyways hope you feel better after you get off the drugs.
The chances of you replying to or seeing this comment are slim, but it’s worth a shot. Are you out there? Did you make it through?