I shouldn’t feel any of the things I do right now, but I do. I’m in a situation I can’t change with a man I can’t stand. I’ve made so many excuses for him. “It’s not that he doesn’t care. He’s just forgetful” Yeah maybe
“He was only seeing someone else because I was being difficult, ” yeah.. yeah I was being difficult while I miscarried..
Ugh. I could make a list a mile long, but it doesn’t matter. The thing is.. I wanted to die long before I met him. This is nothing new. The difference is that now it might be my only way out and I’m DROWNING.
I’m repulsed by him. His voice, his face, his presence in our home.. all of it. I can’t stand him.
“You should be grateful. You don’t have to work.” Nooo. Me not working was an attempt to save my sham of a marriage. I thought I would resent him less for being such a slob if I could at least be here to try to keep up with everything. I thought maybe quality time would make him coming home feel like less of a nightmare. I thought if I could pick up all the other slack LIKE HE WANTED things would start to get better. I’d never be happy, really, but maybe I could be stable. That was a huge mistake. I left myself with nothing and now I’m stuck and I have nobody to blame but myself. Every day is worse than the last and now more than ever it feels like a quick exit is my best bet. I thoroughly screwed myself…
Whatever. Maybe if he keeps seeing his ‘secret’ girlfriend, he’ll stop coming home. Fuck I’m dumb for landing myself here.
Oh well.