The law of attraction ain’t true

No matter what I do, Of course I’m back here again. I cannot see my therapist anymore because he’s become more of this conspiracy theorist who seems to try to convince me more and more every time that I can just think or just make whatever I want just happen just because I want it to, but then the more that he invalidates as to why I am so negative and pessimistic all the time, when everything’s just going like hell lately, he just keeps trying to convince me that he’s not invalidating me and that all he’s trying to do, is try to prove to me that I can just focus on everything that is good about everything, (when there’s nothing good going on with my life at all right now,) and he tries to convince me that if I just stop focusing on everything that’s wrong with my life and focus on everything good and everything that I want my life to be, (even things that my life cannot be, and even things that cannot be in my life,) that it will just work, and it won’t, regardless of how many times that he says it could work. He’s always trying to convince me that I can just be positive and feel good just by choice and that’s not true. Any time that I try to avoid thinking about whatever shit’s stressing me out, I just become more obsessed with it, especially because I’m fucking ignoring it because I would be too stuck, trying to move into fucking fantasyland. And regardless of if I’m trying to make things right through my actions, or just believing for it, or even both, this stupid law of attraction does not exist. It’s bullshit that my therapist keeps trying to convince me is true, and it’s not true. I would know because if it was true, it already would’ve happened that way. The universe, the world etc. does not revolve around me. It does not revolve around anybody who walks on it. I’m not just gonna get my way all the time just because I asked for it, because that’s not how it works. but neither is that the problem, because what the problem is, is that nothing ever goes right in my life. The problem is NOT that I don’t get my way all the time, but what the problem is, is that I never get my way at all, because everything’s always fucked up as shit, whether I try to be positive and work towards something and be filled with hope, or just simply give up and be pessimistic because it won’t happen, while sitting around, doing nothing about anything because it won’t change for the better, and no matter what I do or how I handle it or try to handle it, I’m really sick, and I’m hopeless that I’m ever gonna get better. A huge problem is, that my therapist keeps trying to convince me that not only am I focusing on the negative, but he also tried to convince me that I’m choosing to be focused on the negative but I’m not, as negative is the only shit there is in my life, but then, when I bring this up, he wants to say “no, I understand, I know you’re not trying to focus on it” and it’s all just a bunch of shit. The problem is, that one moment he wants to ask me what’s wrong with me and what’s bothering me, but then right after I tell him thoroughly, because I’m very thorough about everything, especially when there’s too much shit going on at the same time, he wants me to stop focusing on it and just do the stupid breathing shit, or else just try to focus on fucking fantasyland shit like that’ll make it go away, and then, when I explain to him how and why it doesn’t, then he tries to tell me that I need to focus on it more (the stupid delusionally-positive-thinking, law of attraction bullshit, and the breathing exercises) because it’s the only way to get better. And because of this superstitious bullshit so called “advice”, I stopped seeing him. And it wasn’t until the last three years of seeing him that he finally started talking about all this cosmological bullshit, and I would remember because I have very good memory, and I’m not the person to fuck up, so I would remember that before this, since seeing my therapist from June 2014 to April 2024, that he didn’t say shit about this stupid law of attraction until probably September 2021, so this shit all started when he found the stupid Netflix show about this whole law of attraction bullshit thing, some show called “The secret”. And ever since then, he comes to tell me all this stupid fantasyland bullshit that just doesn’t make sense to me, and it seems like it’s gotten worse most recently, and it’s the worst of it now as to why I’m not seeing him, and probably won’t see him again. My therapist has become more superstitious than he is therapeutic overtime, and every few sessions he’s telling me about some superstitious, false theory-based book that he’s reading, by some crazy as shit author I’ve never heard of, and I don’t know how the hell he believes that shit, but he does, and not only that, but he tries to impose those beliefs on me and call that shit therapy. So now my mother is my therapist basically, but she doesn’t understand what I’m going thru because she doesn’t experience it, and I’m trying to be grateful but it’s hard because I can’t see the so-called “professional” therapist because he’s a conspiracy theorist now. So basically, my Mother talks to me like a therapist because I cannot waste anymore time, or money, or stress, or energy on a “professional” therapist, who apparently is not “professional” anymore, but rather superstitious in practice. I’m OK with talking to my mother as though she’s my therapist, but however, what the problem is, is that she has a busy schedule, doesn’t understand my mental illness, and she only has very little time to talk to me about what’s stressing me out. I’ve tried my whole life to get everything right with my life, and all it did was get worse, no matter how positive or negative I was about it. I’m failing in school, having gender dysphoria as nonbinary person and can’t treat it due to this bullshit government, have extreme OCD and voices in my head that won’t shut up, I’m growing increasingly depressed and feeling suicidal again almost everyday since the past month, after being mostly numb between February and March, I’m up almost every night stressed, binge eating the same junk because I can’t eat anything healthy due to my ARFID that’s caused like a junk food addiction, AND I’ve even been evicted of my own apartment and now we’re staying with family that fights all the time and stresses me the fuck out, because we can’t afford to eat out all the time AND pay the bills of our own place, and I can’t heal from my sickness because of my eating habits, and I’m sick of existing. And it just suddenly gets worse anytime anything seems to get the slightest of Better, regardless of how positive or negative I am about it, whether I do something or not about it, though I usually try my hardest. No matter what, shit just keeps getting worse. What the hell is positive about my life?