Lone

Still here. I don’t really understand why. It’s lonely here too. Lonely, lonely, lonely. It usually doesn’t bother me but it’s getting to be a bit much. Im just missing them. I miss my old friends. I miss my dad and my sister. I know it’s not right because I don’t think I deserve to. I miss myself. I’m longing for people and times that no longer exist. I’m longing because I have no future so I have to look to the past. There’s no future for someone like me. Everything is so damaged and unfixable. My mind has only gotten worse over time. Why is it so difficult to concentrate? Why is it so hard to do simple tasks? Why is it so hard to be a normal, functioning person? I don’t get it. It’s agonizing and the only thing I can do is try to dilute it by messing with my head further. Anything is better than this. Anything is better than being stuck in my head. The days are just so empty. At least I’ve been managing to cry a little. At least there’s still something there. Sigh, when was the last time that I got to really hold someone? It’s silly because although I want it, part of me won’t allow it. Won’t fully accept being close and real with anyone. Because I know I’m not worthy. Because I do more harm than good. I used to be better and it’s sad because there’s no going back to that. Maybe I just like the idea of being close. Maybe it just helps thinking about it to cope with my own wretched existence.