I feel like my life is a treadmill. I’ll wake up, do the same things I did yesterday until I’m physically exhausted, sleep, and then repeat it all the next day.
How many years has this gone on? 5? 10?
I’ve purchased my own house at 27, moved to a peaceful little town, and on paper have an increasingly successful life year by year, especially compared to when I was a kid.
But I’m still equally as alone as I’ve ever been. Unloved, generally disregarded in every area of my life, not typically thought of positively by anyone in my life aside from my parents (if I’m thought of at all), and am no closer to achieving anything that I truly want in life than I was a decade ago.
I casually imagine killing myself daily, although it isn’t the same desperate, painful desire that I used to have. It’s evolved to more if a passing “yea, one day I can just clock out, any day I choose” kind of thing. But generally, nothing I’ve wanted to build since my teenage years has materialized, despite the tremendous work and time and money I’ve spent trying to make them reality.
I’m still a social outcast or invisible depending on the setting (no matter how much I personally involve myself), I still am thoroughly rejected by society at large for unspoken reasons that I still can’t pinpoint, and all of my attempts to build connections in the romantic sense have predictably fizzled out after a period of time.
No one cares about me, no one will save me. My cries for help were heard and disregarded, so now I just silently suffer