The worst thing to have ever happened to me is being born. I have no reason to believe in God but part of me wishes he existed so I would have someone to blame for this catastrophe. I wish someone would answer these questions. Why am I forced to take part in life. Why am I thrusted into existence when I’m not equipped to thrive? Did I have to be extremely stupid, ugly and have no useful talents?
Now I’d like to end it all but I’m afraid of the pain that I have to endure in order to finally achieve the peace of mind that I deserve.
Now I have to wake up and expose my stupidity and subject myself to embarrassments every day of my life. All my life I asked to be normal and capable of atleast accomplishing easy tasks. Be good at something now I know it’s too much to ask, there’s only one realistic wish I have, I just request that it happens sooner.
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I would chastise you for being so hard on yourself, but unfortunately, I agree with some of your points. I would also rage against god if I thought they were real, for leaving so many of us fucked up. But alas, I am a non-believer too. I do have a plan to exit within the next 7 to 8 months and pain is less of an issue for me at this point. Back in 2006 one of my eyes filled completely with blood and it kind of deflated. It was the most painful three months of my existence while the blood drained. Everything since then has seemed extremely mild by comparison. So the next part scares me less than this current part. The waiting…
As a child my dumb parents who were brainwashed with religion, told me a bunch of stupid lies, like I’m special, made by God, etc.
For a while I believed it till I became a teenager…then ofc once you are able to think for yourself and see reality as it is, then you realize you’ve been deceived.
Your post resonated with me, because that’s how I felt once I realized I wasn’t special but a product of my parents having se.x and I got stuck with all their flaws and problems.
I guess some people just accept their lot in life, but seeing that there was such great beauty in the world, with men/women, I was also very upset that I wasn’t born beautiful.
When strangers look at you, they idiotically assume you chose to be born, looking the way you do. I didn’t ask to be “short” (for a kid but eventually I became ‘average’ height when I grew up)…but I was and this made me a target of bullies.
I have a large nose thanks to my parents’ ethnicity…I’ve always been very, very insecure about it. I had considered plastic surgery because it affected me so much but ultimately I didn’t have the money for it (though my mom was willing to take a loan for me, she felt guilty about it) and I was worried about making it worse than it was (at least it fits my face and nowadays all kinds of looks are accepted.)
But if being short and having a big nose wasn’t bad enough…. you’d think (as a guy) perhaps some girls would look beyond that but I also had some acne. For me personally that’s a deal-killer and it was really devastating…my siblings luckily escaped that terrible affliction.
Luckily it was limited and wasn’t as bad as it is with some people…but it was bad enough that it crushed my ego.
I went from being a reasonably happy, popular, funny pre-teen, to being an introverted nerd as a teenager…and had mostly nerdy friends.
If that wasn’t bad enough I also come from a lower-income family…which people have discussed here before. We made enough to meet our needs, but there wasn’t any disposable income for nice trips or expensive gifts/toys.
Despite all the above, some pretty girls still were interested in me…I was considered cute and dated some girls…but add in the bullying and insecurity, I basically limited myself from dating more often.
Once into adulthood my looks improved, the acne mostly went away but I still have some blemishes from that experience.
I tried my darndest to educate myself so I could get a high income and have a better life, but it’s like the universe is against me…anything I do ends in failure. Once I got over my disappointment over my looks, I realized either I live out my life or find a way to end it.
Fortunately I had enough brains to know to have a ‘side-gig’ for steady income….since I couldn’t get into the higher paying jobs, I took jobs that met my needs but kind of like my parents, I didn’t really advance myself.
Now this would be fine if incomes stayed in line with cost of living, but as we’ve all seen, everything’s become more expenses and if you want to survive in our world then you have to make more money but I’m running off on a tangent.
But ya if not for the ‘good things’ in my life I might’ve off’d myself in my teen years…because at that point it all made sense, where I sit on the totem pole, and it’s at the bottom end. I’m scratching the surface here, words cannot begin to express the deep pain, sorry, depression I felt at the time….day after day for years.
I even saw a therapist, but all they do is listen to you, have some silly breathing exercises and take your money…they solved nothing…though it helped a bit to have an objective opinion.
If suiicide was as easy as turning off a light switch most of us wouldn’t be here to talk about it. Also the fear of getting it wrong…I thought one of the plans I had was surefire, but recent research shows in fact it could have other consequences I didn’t imagine or think could happen.
Now I have to think of another way ‘out’. But ya that’s my life in a nutshell…going back to the point about beautiful people…that should be a baseline I think…all humans should get to experience that feeling of being hot/sexy and dating someone that is attractive.
I know some don’t agree or don’t even care…I guess it’s a personal taste….having been on the other side, I would’ve preferred being pretty.
At the same time it’s not worth it if the father is a tyrant…I knew this once strikingly pretty girl, she had a baby with a jockish dude…but he was really abuse towards her, she cried a lot…I tried to get her to leave him…told her how beautiful she was and deserved to be happy. I never knew her long enough to see if things changed…but hopefully they did.
My life is still shit…I’m thankful to all the nice people who did good things for me and say f-u to the bad ones…but I feel it was largely a wasted, worthless existence.
I’m an older man now, so I feel closer to the end of my life anyways…but I want to have a nice, fast ending. I would ‘check out’ now if I could and didn’t have anyone to worry about.
Just an afterthought-if there was a god, why would he give some people such extravagant wealth…that it could turn millions of people into millionaires themselves, while making the vast majority of us, poor?
Why would He give beauty and perfection to some people and ugliness, wretchedness, pain/suffering and imperfections to others? What benefit is there in that?
Ofc one can foolishly dive into many rabbit holes to try to figure it out, or realize it’s just a lie…there’s no god, we’re here by accident and humans, the vast majority of them are a bunch of selfish, effin ta.rds who have no business having kids and giving them bad lives.
At the same time, to have a civilization, we need people to do the needful, build, run cities, get food, have defense, etc.
Like I feel the best of humans should go on, but the useless ones should stop having kids and fade into history. I believe a utopian civilization is possible but everyone has to be on board with the plan.
I made some typos above, but hopefully readers got the jist of what I was saying.
FWIW- life is NOT always better for ppl who are smart, beautiful and talented. I was born smart and good looking, and for that my family- aka my evil sisters and mother- was horribly jealous of me. And so they treated me like absolute SHIT my ENTIRE fucking life. Female classmates and female coworkers and female bosses were also jealous of me and purposely did stuff to block my progress. Men tried to grab and r*pe me. Yeah, life is NOT all sunshine and roses for those who were born pretty. Trust me on that.
Bc of all that shit they all did to me, I grew up with depression and self-esteem issues. I had very few friends and was very lonely. Still am. I am not understood. Most women are jealous and tried to sabotage me every way possible. and most men just wanted me physically. That will mess up with your mind.
I absolutely hate ppl and hate this world- most ppl are super fucking shitty.
Anyhow, I could go on but just know life isn’t great for most beautiful women are either. And the statistics on r*pe and SA are fucking sad- basically like 79% of all beautiful women have had an SA attempt or r*pe. Oh yeah, and add stalking to the list. I’ve had many stalkers in the past. And men tend to get violent/nasty if you say no, let’s be friends to them.
That’s the reality for most pretty girls. Life isn’t all peaches and sunshine despite the image that social media or commercials project. That’s all fake.
Obviously it’s not good to be ugly either- ppl will bully and make fun of them. The best thing is to be born “average”- average looking, average build, average intelligence, etc. Nobody bothers anyone that is avg and boring. It’s the ppl who stand out (ppl who are super tall, super short, or super pretty or super ugly) are the ones who get noticed and bullied.
Oh yeah, I sure did get bullied for being smart in school. The one place you’d THINK would nurture intelligence but no- american schools are such shit. If you’re smart, you also get bullied- by classmates AND by shitty ass teachers. Yeah, that was my life. So wonderful. -_-
But yes, fuck life. I concur.
Intelligence has its quirks (not a genius or anything, but personal experience):
Yeah sure, school winds up being easy and you get high marks and all that, but without street smarts, you’re useless in the real world.
The real world is not school (some corporate jobs function similarly but that’s a small portion of one’s life anyway).
I’ve found myself struggling out of high school: flunking college, going back home, and then moving away to try to figure things out for myself.
That was a huge failure as well. I did slowly move up and get better pay through job hopping, but I was just taking what I could to barely keep my head above water.
I have good family and friends who helped me though, monetary and finding work. I was lucky and I’d be stuck back home or homeless up here without them. I’m hyper aware that not everyone is as lucky as I am, which is why I feel so utterly useless in the grand scheme of things.
The problem is that I missed out on so many real world experiences and knowledge to make my life successful because I was so focused on school. I studied all the time, to the point where I was doing homework while kids played.
I wasn’t prepared for college, compared to my school, and I wasn’t prepared for life (taxes, car trouble, budgeting, insurance, rent, etc).
Point is, like eternal said, stuff like high intelligence, charisma, good looks helps, but successful people in this life use that in the right way to take advantage and make their way forward.
The rest of us aren’t so lucky.