*Trigger warning-if you’re a sensitive-type of person who is emotional and easily triggered, then it’s probably best to skip my post.*
So as I’m driving, I start hearing Christmas music on various radio channels…I knew it was that time of year again. Some of it is actually really beautiful and they simply don’t create songs like that anymore, so that is a good part of our culture passed down to us.
But I could barely hear it for a few seconds because of the memories it conjures up. It just reminds me of how innocent children really are and the tiny little bubble they live in and see as their world.
It just makes me all the more grateful to my amazing mother as she just kept these important times of year (like birthdays and other holidays) special for my siblings as I when we were kids.
We were lower income, but our needs were met for the most part. My scummy, selfish dad left us and claimed he couldn’t put up with my mom. But really he did us a favor…while he had his good side, he could also be a violent bastard and he would’ve abused my mom if he was still around…so I was glad he was gone but we still saw him on the weekends.
But looking back now, it was almost like an illusion we were living in…we thought everything was fine in life and I honestly don’t know how we managed to survive with my mom’s limited income. Now I realize it’s just that my mom was younger, healthier and was able to keep working so we had a roof over our heads and our needs met.
It was only when I grew and realized how much jobs really suck, how hard they can be, how easily one can get fired, did I appreciate all she did and in fairness my dad did help in some important ways also.
But I feel now I truly understand why more people ‘end it’ around Christmas…because it’s a very emotional time in our lives and people have many memories, both good and bad attached to it.
I’m older now and arguably past the age of having kids…though still possible if I do in the next decade or so…but I really don’t have a huge desire for them like some people do. I’ll be happy the day when my time is finally done here.
My life was just a mix of emotions, mostly wanting things I lacked in life, suffering, working hard and never really ending up where I wanted to be…so I’ve grown sick of the game of life now.
While I am dealing with some serious problems right now, I’m ok but my job is on the line. If not for my family I think I would’ve called it quits long ago…I want to have one last ‘hurrah’…blow my cash on a vacation maybe and then be done.
There is a simple lesson in all of this, that I wish every human knew, don’t have kids if:
1-you have serious mental or physical/health issues. We all have some issues and we go through experiences that make us depressed, sad, etc…but we get better. I mean those living with conditions for years.
2-you’re unattractive, barely dated, kind of a weirdo, loner, loser, etc. To be blunt fat/ugly/flawed. No it’s not cool to be you against the world and that BS they fill people’s heads with. If you don’t fit in, chances are you’ll pass on bad genes and your kids will suffer like you did.
Case in point, I saw a girl at the grocery store today with really bad acne…if not for that she might’ve been pretty, but I couldn’t stand to look at her. I felt really sorry for her, but her idiot parents are entirely to blame…they must’ve known their kids could inherit it, but they reproduced anyways. She looked sad too…but sorry it’s not my fault. She should have the common sense to see a skin doctor also, there are meds that might help.
3-Low Income. This is a major one. It seems wherever I look people are getting rich off Bitcoin, or stocks, or businesses, or just finding good jobs. Like some relatives I know, they’re rotten people but somehow landed in high paying jobs, own several houses now and are doing good.
I was a good person my whole life-or at least tried to be and ended up like my mom, just making enough to get by but not really thriving and not having annual vacations (I mean we get a few weeks off, but can’t afford to travel) among other perks in life.
I could go on and on, but I think I hit the major points…there are so many people, including my parents who really shouldn’t be having kids but they do anyways.
This is no life, just to watch others, including friends/family get ahead, get happy lives…ok not saying perfect, they have problems too…but still I got left behind. I put in a Herculean effort to get a better education so I could have a good income and have a better life. Some of my friends are doctors/dentists/engineers, they all make 6 or 7 figures annually.
I’m past middle aged now and I’m really tired of struggling…I’m still grateful to my mom for giving us a good life when we were young, but I’m just so far from where I really should’ve been and I really wish I could get off this ‘train.’
As stated I’m living mostly for family now and because times are ‘ok’…but little is keeping me here, that and having a way out is the other issue.
5 comments
Unfortunately, I agree with you. In your scenario, I wouldn’t exist. And that works just fine for me.
Glad we agree Listless…I wouldn’t exist in my scenario either and I’m ok with that too.
Despite the flaws I was born with (which I mentioned elsewhere), my parents were attractive and smart…so I did benefit from that.
I had a taste of what it was like for people to see you as goodlooking…it’s addictive and I wish I always had that appeal…but you get older, gain weight, lose some hair…it’s mostly subtle changes, apart from the extra pounds and now you’re ‘average’ and barely noticed by pretty girls, expect in some rare cases.
Luckily, I look young for my age and just have to get fit again, which I’m working on and I’ll look another 10 yrs younger…so that keeps me going a bit since it means I still might have a chance to find a pretty par.tner.
So I’ve given myself a few years to see if I can be able to live the life I always wanted. Deth is always there if a person is really desperate to ‘go’….but I’m going to try to make the best of the shot I still have.
I know once I’m gone, there will never be another me.
There’s so much more I wish I could do in life, but I have a few decades left and am starting to experience health issues that come with age. At the same time, since I’m not advancing, I feel stuck in a rut…same thing year after year.
Before I end this post, I know some people might think I might be too focused on looks…but for anyone’s who felt that excitement, that rush of meeting someone beautiful…someone you fall for, will understand why. I just couldn’t settle for ordinary, esp. when I’ve had the extraordinary.
It’s weird.
I could’ve been dead without modern medicine/technology, or if I was my sibling.
I was a sickly kid, I could’ve died if my parents did not care.
But they did (still do) and here I am.
I relate so much to this, to the point where I’m just trying to figure something out to sustain myself, to not make the sacrifices made for me in vain.
Life is shitty, it’s not easy for anyone.
I do not think I’ll be in a relationship with anyone in the end. No kids, no marriage. I’ll be shocked if I even find a girlfriend.
I’m extremely overweight, average looks otherwise. Also socially inept. My brain is a mess. Sleep is a problem.
Financially not good, even though I’m only now working a “decent job” for the first time ever at this point. I’m about to basically just work towards having nothing as it stands, to try to cut down on bills and be able to be more mobile.
I don’t know how to make things work specifically for me, that’s my problem. I have to take advice and hope something works for me, because everyone is different. What works for someone else, won’t for me and vice versa.
I don’t expect easy mode, I’m just tired of trying and feeling like nothing I do is working.
I hear you; ya like me you’re in a tough spot. I can tell you if you look average/ok, then your only real hurdle is losing excess weight. It will make a huge difference in how you appear to others.
I’ve seen fat people get into relationships, know a couple like that in my life…but they’re just dating other fat people. I mean some people are fine doing that, it just isn’t for me.
If you are able to trim down, it’ll benefit you in a lot of ways, looking better, feeling better, your confidence will go up, health will improve and ofc girls will be interested. Having been slim, then built, then overweight as I am now, I know how hard it is simply going to the gym.
And you won’t see any results in the first few months…I used to put in 2-3 hrs per day at the gym, it was kind of addictive once you get into it…and I did that for months…then the results came in and in about 6 mths I was built like a tank and the strongest I’ve ever been.
This was before the cell phone era, so I didn’t take any ‘selfies’…I really wish I could’ve just used a typical camera so I could’ve had some pics from that time in my life. I also foolishly thought I’d always be dedicated to working out and would stay fit/strong, but ofc I didn’t. Sadly my grades were getting killed, so I had to focus on studies if I didn’t want to get booted from university and had to drop the gym entirely.
That ofc lead to weight gain…which has been stable since…but I’m over 40 lbs where I should be. Anyways I restarted recently, trying to stick with it is the hard part.
Where I live I deal with noise problems that affects my sleep so if I don’t get proper rest, I’m tired the next day, can’t go to the gym…it’s just a vicious cycle, but I know if I want anything good in life I gotta work through it…just like everyone else who has problems.
I also have a ‘side-gig’ going on now apart from my job and if it turns out to be as rewarding as I hope, I plan to quit my wage-slave job and work for myself…ofc once I make enough, I’ll look into renting a nice place or if I have even more, I’ll buy a house.
If you have a decent job and stability, then you can change your situation, you just have to be disciplined and determined. Every person that became highly successful in life, had these same skills/qualities. The money doesn’t fall in anyone’s lap except in rare cases…but the rest of us have to work like a dog for it.
At the same time though, I get where you’re coming from. I burned up a lot of years chasing silly things and I should’ve just stayed focused on my goals. In the end I think it’ll be worth it…even if it means by the time I’m 60 I’m settled, have a great spouse and am traveling, enjoying life…I don’t mind.
I wish I could’ve stayed in my 20s forever…but they haven’t conquered aging yet so we have to do the best we can with the time we have.
Where I live, we have access to assisted-dying…so I know that option is always there for me if SHTF and I lose everything. But right now, things are fine, so I’ll just keep going and hopefully get to live the life I always wanted.
I’m from Indonesia (42 M). I rarely visited this website anymore for some years, but I’ve happened to read your post now, and somehow, it just deeply touched me.
I’m probably still quite privileged (perhaps actually even quite a lot, don’t know how to exactly measure/quantify it objectively though). But my life is a failure, in many important aspects (career-wise, & I’m still single). I know that I’ve probably disappointed my Chinese-Indonesian (Asian) parents so much, at their old age now. The worst is probably, admittedly, I still live with my parents (& also my little brother at his 30’s now, with his chronic pain). It’s a “normal” life, really. Just like you’ve said: it hurts really to see all other people/everyone else basically just already get ahead & moving on with their ‘happy lives’, & stable lives, etc etc.
Also, I was diagnosed with Major Depression back in 2020. But even that was because honestly I had to really ask for a counselor/psychologist to diagnose me, whether I really have a depression or not, because even my parents always tell me that I’m just basically being lazy, & keep making excuses all my life, I’m ungrateful, useless, no-good, & even implying that I’m a ‘loser/failure’, which I know I am. But I honestly & seriously think that I probably have *MANY* other ‘mental health’ issues/problems, that sadly, still remains undiagnosed clinically. For example: I’ve done quite some researches on my own (mostly online), and I really feel/think that I might be a ‘neurodivergent’ type, meaning that I’m not as ‘normal’ as other people. I’ve always been socially-awkward introverted type of guy, even since I was a little kid. Heck, I still remember back in high school, I was bullied often, & viewed even as an ‘alien’ in a derogatory way by all the kids in my school, even written in the year-book! But, little that I knew back then, that all of those perhaps might played a *BIG ROLE* to f*ck up my life like this now (as an adult).
I also have what’s called an existential depression for a long time already, even still until now. I also have passive suicidal ideation almost everyday basically thinking about death, suicide, not meant for this ‘cold, cruel’ world/society/life & reality/existence. But nobody seems to care, unfortunately, & people even underestimate all my ‘problems’.
I still love listening to christmas music, but only just for a little ‘escapism’ into a ‘magical, dreamy’ world/universe. But then, I remember all those ‘happy people’ also celebrate christmas with their ‘happy lives’, and I suddenly stopped listening to christmas music. So yeah, I can somehow understand you & your post, OP.