Feeling hopeless

Have to is a pretty strong start. Have to? I get highly appealing towards the concept, I get very difficult to resist the urge. Have to is pretty strong, if I was at have to I would check myself into the hospital, because that’s a level of pain that can definitely be backed from.

It sounds like burnout, the job you used to tolerate or maybe even enjoy turning to misery. It happens, especially in high stress jobs. Retail is high stress, at times anyway.

Having been there, sometimes when you can get out of burnout, say by quitting, a few months later the depression is gone or manageable. The job can and probably is the problem, if you are having the kind of reaction you are.

Then again, I really have never gotten how averse people are to not being productive employed good little boys and girls. I get that is presented as the only option, but it just plain isn’t. If your anxiety is this bad, you might be disabled, and that’s okay.

Just, it’s a stupid job. With all respect towards your investment in it, at the end of the day every job is a stupid job. It’s propping up some organization that definitely doesn’t appreciate the effort. If it isn’t serving the two purposes of satisfying sense of meaning and paying for your life…….. it isn’t going to work. Yes, that opens up some scary doors.

None of them are scarier than being dead, because being dead is just it. Not that I’d stop you if you decided to go, I’m pro death rights. It’s just a decision you get to make once, if you do it right. It turns you from a person into meat. That meat isn’t good to eat, it isn’t even good future dirt.

I don’t see anything on the other side of it, there are no certainties, apart from the corpse left behind. That’s observable.

Just, the way it looks I still feel compelled to see if you are really certain about it. If it is either make it work with a career in retail or death…….. I’m sorry, I can’t get behind that as a binary choice. You could become a garbageman, just as an idea of a low skill job I found out recently pays pretty well. Stress wise, once your body gets used to it it isn’t too bad.

So the options then become three way; retail, garbageman or death. I’d pick garbageman out of the three. I’d pick almost any third option I might come up with that keeps me breathing. Like you, people seem invested in me breathing.

Probably one of those options would work.

It’s also an option to not return to the work world. People do drop out of the labor market, painful as THAT is. However, if you can’t work, that’s just the facts. If forcing yourself to go to work is causing you this much pain, the humane thing is not to make you go to work.

Death is hard work though, to do it successfully first time out takes either luck or conditions being right.

Geez I’d rather break through the side of my psyche and try to induce catatonia. Not sure if that works, but I’ve been feeling about the areas of of unconventional maladaptive behaviors, there are so many, and quite a few are only very strange looking, not harmful to anyone at all.