Specifically with either ditching those that apparently “hold up” the roof you live under and pretty much losing out on five years due to it in order to get things back together, or sticking under it when their mistreatment of you is a prerequisite for staying there simply so you can do necessary work & finish your degree instead of menial tasks others could quite frankly automate away by this point. This is a continuation of the third to fifth paragraphs of https://suicideproject.org/2024/09/no-guarantees/ alongside the entire post that is https://suicideproject.org/2024/09/im-making-a-mistake-or-am-i-i-dont-know/ in that I am facing the same choice, yet again.
I think it’s a sign of sorts that I’ve considered moving out this many times regardless of whatever the hell it may result in primarily because I’m much more resilient and capable from what I’ve seen in comparison to these people who don’t even know how to navigate apartment listings nowadays for all I know. I mean, I’ve considered what I would need for it to work out and I’ve narrowed it to such basic essentials that basically securing housing of any kind that would be essentially PERFECT for me would cost $500 or less a month (renting a room in my eyes is no different from a studio apartment, just that one is priced $1,000 to $1,500 less or more depending on the area you live in) and how going outside to look at your locker/mailbox for packages and letters, all that, would certainly not be the worst, definitely has more benefits privacy wise which in my physical environment I desperately need due to how disruptive and otherwise nosy others can be. I could save a bunch of funds should I even go down such a route, but the problem is that regardless of that, I lose out on the most important thing which is probably time, and money can’t replace that.
I have a lot of shit to do and look at which I most definitely cannot pass up on, and yet even just a few years sets that off track when I’ve already made so many personal mistakes on my own. I need to guarantee those things, and I also know that to some extent I can, lessening up on commute times and working wherever the job is when they are not requiring me to do the job, but I really cannot say that’s a good bet or that any of it is guaranteed, because as far as I’m aware I could be forced into a position that requires:
- Horrendous commute times either by car or public transportation (more than one hour each way, in which that already is hellish in my eyes, and it’s quite unfortunate actually if people have a tolerance for anything more than that)
- Something like a help desk job, provided I take the route of getting certifications before going unhoused and without one (I’ve mentioned the CompTIA certifications before, yes, and really in terms of the most common triad of them acquired for getting hired, you easily pass the help desk shit by that rate and yet the certifications can still lead you to such a fate for some reason? If I do end up investing in such a thing I’d at least hope I’m not doing something which is quite frankly a waste of time considering the content of said things, and the help desk roles tend to be not so productive by their most common contents…)
- Which would essentially be no different from Starbucks except I wasted hundreds on certifications that I thought would actually have me doing something more related to what I specifically can offer that is most useful, but no, worse off if it’s any sort of “Have you tried turning the computer off and on again?” service. Better to not get the certifications at that point, which is definitely kooky.
- Getting myself killed, in all honesty, from staying outside on the streets too long. Not that I would go down any sketchy alleys or that I wouldn’t have pepper spray on me at the least at all times, or that I’d stay out any later than 10 PM or so depending on what has to be done, but I really tend not to trust such circumstances especially if someone simply assumes that I don’t actually have any housing (for the first few months or so, god forbid a year). Which people can only assume, truth be told, but of course you are present for that long and so often that they may think along those lines and target you in some way (quite unparticular which shows that the concern may not be the most grounded but regardless)? I mean, if I think about it it’s unlikely to get that bad, but I still feel like there’s a target on my back just for being physically visible.
- Time, primarily when it’s not what I receive and seek out education for. Shit.
There’s a trial and error part to it which I can’t exactly skip out on if I go for the full time job, of which there is definitely enough options out there in the market starting out, but the 8 hours a weekday changes things alongside the increased exposure to people that may not be so mutually beneficial. Not losing 40 hours a week outright in comparison, or at least not needing to lessen those 40 hours over time and furthermore make better use of them whenever said chances present themselves, sounds more helpful, but there are limitations placed upon me at all times here that pretty much decrease the effectiveness of my conduct for all hours of the day. It’s just a matter of whether or not that hindrance gets to the point of making my output below 6 to 8 hours a day of uninterrupted and actual work, when I of course have at least 16 hours in each and every day after taking into account sleep.
I will have extra money if I go ahead and do this, but what I need isn’t the money but rather time and freedom of conduct of course, and financial security means nothing if you can’t act with it obviously. This is quite the misalignment of resources in that I (at least would like to believe) am used to living somewhat frugally and practically, and it negates the need for anything above the most basic salary as a result. Which makes me think that, perhaps, over time I can lessen expenses to the point that I only work part time if anything, and that there are still options for everything should I seek them out, but it primarily comes to the potential of whether or not this full time job thing can pivot to any capacity then. Whether it’s commuting or what they have me doing during the working hours (if I’m getting skills in something relevant it softens the blow just a bit) or if it’s not even based upon hours, but just tasks to complete, I can’t guarantee it. I also can’t guarantee that my sanity will hold up for much longer having to deal with the people I live with, obviously being worse than just roommates because in this situation I can’t move out without immediately thrusting myself into an irreversible decision.
And the fact that it’s irreversible is what concerns me a bit I guess, but at the same time, things are being pushed to this point and these people will not give me the shreds of respect or privacy or peace that I not even just deserve, but need. And is also what I, lopsidedly in this situation, provide to them at all times. Fuck. Either way I don’t know, it’s a matter of preparing before you are thrown out without notice, but if you aren’t thrown out without notice in the time it takes to finish up and move out, then all that time you spent looking at the rental listings and getting those certifications that are only slightly related to your main occupation are sort of for nothing. A false alarm that you should have taken better notes of. Whether or not it’s a false alarm, only these people know what they are intending. Those years are at their mercy sort of, but more specifically, they are at my mercy in case I one of these days get so fed up with this shit I take whatever of my own property I can take with me and board the Amtrak to a more affordable place, at which in that case it starts by living day to day with the food banks and shelters, should the latter not be run by the occupants instead of the staff… At least, if that’s how everything goes, but I can’t say for sure what that consists of either.
I don’t know. I hope this shit sorts itself out surprisingly but as I’ve said before that puts me at risk and it’s therefore a balancing act of waiting vs preparing to book it out of there, etc. Maybe I should make sure I have my personal identification and documentation with me instead of in my “guardians” hands, at the very least. Haven’t done that yet, because I once again fall as a fool for the moments of calm, but as we see that doesn’t work out all that often???
Either way, each day I flip flop back and forth between getting back to what I’m ACTUALLY supposed to be doing and getting out of here, no matter the potential cost. I cannot truly determine the impact of either option (at least in the moment), and that gets at me when choosing wrong is certainly not much of an option.
4 comments
You can work from home and do helpdesk work, that’s the biggest upshot. Heck, I’m tempted. I’m looking at doing some editing, because I have the experience to back that up. That is traditional editing, specifically for researchers, thesis, and contracts /presentations, stuff other professionals will see. I can do novels/short stories non fiction if called on, it’s just I’ve never seen that paid for.
If I was in your shoes, I’d find the cheapest room and save up for a condo. Like where I’m at you can get a condo for $30k, and yes I get how much that is, but once you pay that off….. you’re not paying rent anymore. That’s a two bedroom, then you’ve just got internet, water, electric, you can get a voip phone for work.
but then there’s me, seeing 40 acres for $40k, and thinking about that isolation and mouth watering over it. damn city. I have so many skills, and for what?! Java, social work, I have a degree in psychology, just not the one that I can get a licence. Minor in computer science. Equivelent of a CNA, non destructive testing on pipelines, search engine optimization, electrical apprentice, sales, pool cleaning and repair, masonry, tree work, and I’m sure I’m forgetting some.
Working in the modern economy means being willing to pick up and learn a new skill, perhaps several. I know I want to learn heavy equipment operator, perhaps CDL, a bit more welding, that’s one I forgot I know one weld. When you’re as deep as I am it’s not intimidating, anything, it’s all just fodder for the mill.
I don’t know what I’m recommending or advising here. A general disregard and disrespect for anyone that tells you anything is hard, I guess. Nothing is, it’s a matter of time and effort. You have it in you, everyone does. I’ve yet to meet an incapable human. Anyone can learn calculus, which is the most difficult cognitive task on the planet. Anyone can learn to type 50 words a minute. Anyone can lift 100 pounds over their head. It’s a matter of time and effort.
Most people don’t believe. They’ve been surrounded by people telling them “can’t can’t can’t” fuck can’t.
Now making the economy work, I’m not sure about that. That involves people, and people are unpredictable lousy things to bet on. However, you aren’t, as far as I know. It’s why I picked psychology and not sociology. I can get one person to get their act together, not a society.
Well most certainly, if the help desk work makes me avoid commute times in any capacity whatsoever (it will if I’d find a role that’s even hybrid over fully in-person, alongside a bunch more benefits most likely) that’s already quite the big win in terms of time saved, not to mention I would assume that if it’s remote there’s a lot less micromanagement involved which potentially brings in time for even more things. Especially in such a situation where it would be preferable to be at two places at once (you’d want to get acquainted with the food banks, libraries, shelters and etc in addition to inspecting potential apartment listings, all of it requires flexibility in terms of where you are physically located), a bunch of downsides are negated with that alone.
Yeah, to be honest I find it odd even (and especially in) the days we live in with people seeming to make use of ChatGPT for instance for writings when all of the time, from what I’ve seen, it’s clear as day and furthermore not as effective as somebody actually looking over it. As long as peer review is a standard in terms of any widely looked at papers (which it will pretty much be so, forever, you need that sort of stuff), the editing holds up in terms of purpose alongside it. Stuff developed mainly in isolation with no external feedback from trusted sources rarely gets put into practical use later down the road primarily because even if some parts are of any value, that value becomes inconsistent without rigorous approaches and people write the whole thing off as a result. Same goes for the novels, except I feel like writing as a skill in any sense has always kind of been underappreciated in our society when that’s literally the main way we communicate ideas, of course.
Certainly, however cheap the room is the more I save for other needed or unexpected expenses is how I see it. While I haven’t necessarily been someone who was always for buying properties and all that I really can’t deny that at a certain point it makes more sense compared to paying $2,000 for rent each month in a city on your lonesome (considering that it does make sense that more people split the rent nowadays). I’ll be keeping any eye out for any properties that share the pricing of the condo you’ve mentioned, should they be sharing that pricing of course haha.
I mean, yeah, with the skills you list despite how they may at first seem spread out to any degree, specific situations require specific combinations alongside the many variables that each and every topic has contributing to the approach of the next. If it’s just the momentum alone (even if it does help to keep yourself within the boundaries of a certain group of related things), it goes much farther in comparison to specialization in only a few things if life consists of so many different things. Never that bad of an approach really to say that whatever suits the purpose, you go ahead and pick up.
It’s also true that in terms of making the economy work, it’s a bit like apartment listings in which, out of all the thousands they list straight up in front of you on Zillow (which apparently aren’t even the actual listings and still come from buyer’s agents anyways?? damn) in reality to find anything that is slightly considerable and not outlandish in general, you have to add up a few other websites and sources of information with heavy filtering on all of them and a firm understanding of what is and is not a reasonable asking price. I mean heck, at such a point it’s certainly not that you can’t afford it for anyone but that losing thousands or even tens of thousands on rent a year doesn’t sit well in the stomach, for most people. Basically boiling down to unfair and ludicrous propositions right out the gate (in terms of not only apartments but jobs and prices at your local supermarket, all of it) and understanding that the truth of the situation is past that, in which the numbers narrow themselves down to small amounts not through scrutiny but because there probably aren’t many alternatives in the first place.
Of course, that’s only the case for some markets, others have an abundance of choices and value for the consumer, but usually at least in this country with the previously mentioned topics, I feel like we are certainly in an economy that favors the seller. I say that while not having much clue of what the sellers go through of course, how most startups fail on average (I assume it’s due to logistical issues but who knows. I’d also assume there’s not funding for everybody), and how in terms of those favored I’m certainly not sure if that includes domestic/local companies over international ones. Regardless of that, I appreciate you having hope for me there, I’ve already started preparing to some extent. Odds are, even if things become a dumpster fire I can start working full time in fast food places or as a foot courier within a week from now or less, and saving up for even one month, that should be enough to sidestep any sort of homelessness entirely actually until I can find another role wherever I end up. So yeah, in addition to other things I’m certainly doing that now.
Hey there.
Been in your shoes with my life before. Got fed up and left.
I’d managed to find a place with some family, and eventually got with a friend from high school.
Shared a studio with him for a bit, then eventually moved to a 2 bed 2 bath.
Slowly crawled my way up from nothing, taking whatever I could get for work.
Wound up doing some vocational school stuff, one for Visual C# (useless cert) and one for a Computer Network Tech Cert (not all that useless). Did some internet tier 1 and a shit ton of customer service before landing a helpdesk position proper. No A+ cert, just had enough experience/doing my own independent studies, to get the job. Experience is king rn. Not saying degrees are useless, but everyone wants the experience even more now.
Finally think I have a semblance of a career finally.
Don’t know how old you are, where you living at. But honestly, if the situation isn’t looking good, just make your money. Make enough to go and plan out a place to stay. Get a roommate if you have to.
I know you aren’t too keen on some of the shortcommings, but peace of mind is where it’s at.
I’m lucky to have a lot of good people who’ve helped me, but I know I’d have lost my shit if I’d stayed where I was.
I think you’ll figure out something, you’ve put a lot of thought into this from just this post.
I’m trying to figure it out myself.
I’m hoping for good things for the both of us.
Let me know if you wanna talk more about this stuff. I’d like to hear more about your side of things.
Hello, not surprised to see that it could be my case there, the incidents grow with each day in terms of what I take badly (and reasonably in my eyes considering what I take into account as common sense and also act upon). I’m glad that it seems you agreed in terms of such stuff not being the most sustainable, it’s not a way to build a life at all.
Living arrangements in my eyes, it’s all nice if there’s mutual respect, with each person you get another shot at them being decent enough for things to not be so turbulent in comparison.
The nice thing to see in your case is that you got work at the very least, whether it was through being open to anything or those roles needing someone to fill in the gaps, I’m glad there’s at the very least something. I’m currently taking into account this delivery role that, regardless of whether it offers the highest pay or not, is still pay, and while I like to optimize the rates and all I also know that the sooner I start working the more money I save up, the more I’m out of the house, and the more I, at the very least, deal with different people screwing with me instead of these same two. In a better scenario, people who understand my circumstances and are willing to let me work for only a few months to half a year from the get go so I can book it somewhere else. Quite nice.
Yeah, in terms of tech related certifications, if it’s just languages or tools then I’m not sure if anything necessarily holds up, stuff like Kubernetes in terms of the theoretical framework from which they operate could be iterated upon and replaced in 5 to 10 years or so and then it’s just kind of old unfortunately, even if in the case of Kubernetes that’s probably more like 20 to 30. Same goes with those who specialize in Windows enterprise applications and solutions from what I see and think, since the proprietary model of Microsoft for it, in many aspects such as the unwanted feature sets and potential change of pricing models to unwanted peeking at quite secretive data and company information with the “black box” type of operating system, just goes against all kinds of use cases to where it’s the COBOL in terms of OS related things now. I realistically cannot say that any computer would benefit from running their operating system nowadays in terms of getting things done, and that obviously leaves only Linux flavored things as the choice since MacOS has never (from what I’ve seen) been useful in server use cases for instance, but companies have it going nonetheless and that will be the case for decades longer… Regardless, the certifications with more generalized focuses on fundamentals have proven to be better starting out due to that, although even those aren’t future proof when they get updated and you have to renew them, haha. It therefore makes sense why you would find more benefit in the experience side of things then, considering how you are able to pivot and adapt much more easily in comparison to the time investment of certifications while also stacking up much more things in terms of what you learn.
I gotta admit, I don’t really know how things are going to turn out until they “turn out”. Whatever lies beyond this could be better in comparison, in a bunch of ways I didn’t expect potentially when it comes to how the current environment holds me back. It may also be worse in a bunch of ways, but I’m certainly fine with the trade offs considering what it more specifically does. Whatever one does figure out (in which, I’ve technically already narrowed a job down already foot courier wise, but it doesn’t make sense to expect to be accepted on only one application no matter how desperate they are for people with high school diplomas), a bunch of people have already been through it before me, it’s a well enough paved road to keep myself moving probably. The well wishes are appreciated too, helps to have that encouragement here.
In terms of talking more about it, certainly open to it, I’d be wondering in your case how clean cut the leaving would be for example. In my case, I’d be dipping from everyone pretty much, there are separate family members but ultimately in terms of that no one seems to be wanting more company even if it’s mainly for me to save on rent of course, and that’s fine, there are much better states to be at (in multiple ways) and the freedom of choice in terms of what’s most beneficial towards myself, would probably help the best. Wouldn’t want to drag more people into it besides that. There’s just potentially going to be a lot of phone calls, a lot once I leave without notice. Even though I’m 18 by now, so people should know how to handle things besides that once I tell them that I’m fine and that I’m on my own now.
Either way, if I can make it for a few months getting paid then leave quietly one day at a specified time before booking it to where I need to go, I’m solid. They can’t chase me down then.