I just want to be held

I’ve found myself back here again, curled in on myself, stuck in this tiny crevice of despair. For so long I was doing better, but it’s all gone back to the way things were before.

well, “better” is an overstatement. All I was truly doing in that time was chasing relief. I’d go from one coping mechanism to the next. Maybe I’d get a few hours of relief,  a few days, then the pain would go back, and I’d have to find a new way. Therapy, medication, cutting, binging—whatever, it was all futile. I am so tired now. Physically and mentally I cannot continue the chase. Now I am left to lay down, feeling the rawness of this pain. It hurts to be conscious like this. It hurts my chest, my heart, everything hurts. Deeply, I want someone to hold me, to love me, to take care of me, to help me out of this. But there is no one.

Maybe I have people around me, a good friend, yes—but there is a stark difference between being around somebody and being connected to them. I cannot say there is anybody I am truly connected with. I am incapable of it. My whole life, I have lingered in the margins. Forgotten. Unable to understand others. Others being unable to understand me. The thing I want most, to be human, is something I cannot seem to do. I am utterly, disgustingly alone here. The silence of my room almost mocks me. It is all hollow.

I want my dear friend to be here, he is the only person I have. But he doesn’t understand. He does not feel a connection to me. Even then… I wish he could just hold me. I feel so unsafe, so disgusted. I hate this body. I hate my memories, I hate the thought of another day spent in this pain.  I’m still so young, why does it have to hurt this much? It’s so unbearable. Please, someone just hold me.