I recently turned 19, which has made me feel even worse than I already did. I’m sure it’s a common feeling, but I still feel like I’m 14-16 years old. Until the last 4-6 months, I haven’t been much of an adult or a mature person at all—insofar as being independent and taking care of myself. It’s overwhelming, to say the least—The path I’m going down. I was initially excited to be going into this temporary line of work, but recently it’s morphed into dread and extreme anxiety about ‘what’s going to happen during this time, and what do I have to look forward to afterward?” I’ve heard the advice that “I’ll figure it out,” but what if I don’t?
I’ve been hung up on one person for the past 2 years (in 2 months it will have been exactly 2 years since ‘it’ all went to hell). This one person—this one event—has been the catalyst for me becoming, and embracing, being a misanthropic, miserable, and confused individual. I don’t blame her at all; I was a terrible person. However, I’ve grew past thinking about what happened and sort of resolved it (though no amount of closure seems to be enough for me, I still feel lost and unable to go back to who I ‘used to be’). My issue with this now is that I can’t get over her. I feel inexplicably connected to her in a way that seems to exist beyond ‘bonding’ as a result of being together for a while. I’ve tried finding other people, giving time for myself, and cutting all contact with her, but nothing has worked. In the past 2 years, I’ve had only had a few weeks where I felt somewhat ‘okay’ (read: not thinking about her every second of the day).
Relationship problems, along with the path I’m going down for my eventual (hopefully) career, have culminated into an unshakeable sense of unease and overall detachment from everything that’s going on in my life. Word for word I told her “I’m sorry if I’m still trying to talk to you/be around you in the years to come,” and she told me it would be okay. Something like that should’ve made me feel better, but it didn’t. I half-wanted her to say something along the lines of “please stop talking to me,” but that would’ve probably broken my heart even more. What made me feel so terrible is how empty and cold she sounds when I communicate with her. It doesn’t feel like she still cares about me, or still wants to know how I am—It feels like she doesn’t know how to get rid of me in a way that wouldn’t hurt me (anything she decided on would either make me feel worse or feel nothing at all). I love her with all of my heart, and I know she doesn’t anymore—but, in all of my narcissism—I really hope she still does. Even a sliver of hope that we could be together again is why I’m still alive.
That small conversation—getting back in contact with her within the last few weeks—has made me worry about what I’ll do if this goes on for another 2 years, or even 5. At that point I don’t think I could stop myself from trying to end it all. The path I’m going down for the career I want to pursue (sorry for being vague about that) will be for the next 4 years. During that time I’ll have a job and be able to obtain a degree along with certifications, giving me a decent head start financially and in my chosen field—but who knows how I’ll feel at that point. I told myself that if I’m still in love with her, then I’m going to take all of the money I have and spend it all having whatever fun I can find, then end it.
I’ll just have to wait and see—but until then—all of this dread and anxiety is really making me consider it more and more. It’s seemingly endless despair and pessimism. I want to be loved by the person I love. I don’t want to love anyone else—I don’t want to be loved by anyone else, except for her.