I don’t really want to die, but living is so hard. I have dreams and aspirations like most people do, but for years there’s has just been this empty pit in me. I try so hard to be normal and enjoy life like the people around me do, but I always circle back to this just empty, horrible feeling. I can’t truly see a future for myself. I know what I would want in the future, but I don’t want to actually get there. God, I want to live so bad, truly live, but I just can’t. I’m 20 now. I’m studying abroad, I have friends, I’m in college, I have an apartment. I’m doing everything right, but i just can’t get rid of the certainty i don’t belong here anymore and that I haven’t for years. I really just don’t know.
I don’t know how sad this is, but I’ve been coming on this site for years when I’ve been at my worst and the people here are the only ones I’ve truly found solace/community with. I’m going to try to keep living, to try and find what makes it worth it for other people, but I’m just not sure I’ll ever find it.
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Are there any times at all when you feel like you belong, even if it’s just for a short while? Maybe if you’re with the right friends or the right setting?
I think if you have some moments of comfort, then it shows that you have the capacity to feel happiness, so there’s hope. That’s what keeps me going. As bad as it is, there are moments when I feel like “wow, right now I don’t feel so bad. Maybe things can work out.”
Or is it more like a constant, never ending emptiness that never leaves?