It just repeats itself

I don’t really want to die, but living is so hard. I have dreams and aspirations like most people do, but for years there’s has just been this empty pit in me. I try so hard to be normal and enjoy life like the people around me do, but I always circle back to this just empty, horrible feeling. I can’t truly see a future for myself. I know what I would want in the future, but I don’t want to actually get there. God, I want to live so bad, truly live, but I just can’t. I’m 20 now. I’m studying abroad, I have friends, I’m in college, I have an apartment. I’m doing everything right, but i just can’t get rid of the certainty i don’t belong here anymore and that I haven’t for years. I really just don’t know.

I don’t know how sad this is, but I’ve been coming on this site for years when I’ve been at my worst and the people here are the only ones I’ve truly found solace/community with. I’m going to try to keep living, to try and find what makes it worth it for other people, but I’m just not sure I’ll ever find it.