Hey, sorry I need to rant because I have no one else to talk to.
So obviously I’m unfortunately still here, but hell I shouldn’t be if I wasn’t such a coward!
I know I have a relatively quiet life so I should be so happy even if it’s so lonely.
I’m still working in retail and realistically I won’t change it, I’m so dreadful of changes I’m getting meltdowns whenever something big changing in my life and I don’t know why!
So basically I see my options as just be a cashier for 40+ years (I’m 26) which causes me a lots of shame not because I think low of retail workers, its more like my family is always talking about me getting an office job, but I know of myself that I am uneducated and I’m not intelligent nor smart. I’m exceptionally bad at social interactions, so I honestly think I wouldn’t be able to do that, also because I have so much anxiety I can barely go through a day.
The only other option is to find a way to end it and not being a coward to do it, the only thing stopping me is I’m terrified of failing it, I don’t really know the consequences and I wouldn’t be able to face my family after that.
Honestly if I wouldn’t feel so much shame of who I am (again its not because of retail its mostly because of me being dumb and not understanding things that are so obvious to others). Even being around my sister sometimes I really want to cry of how did I turned out so wrong, she is so confident and smart, and has actual goals in life, while I’m here struggling day to day to find a motivation to even get out of bed.
I probably have autism too, but I’ve never been diagnosed so who knows what’s wrong with me.
i really don’t know what to do, lately my nights are full of anxiety to the point I can’t sleep at all, but I don’t want to cry, it wouldn’t change anything, but this much dread and anxiety, I can’t handle when I’m alone, its a bit better when I’m around others at work, at least I can concentrate on tasks at hand, but at night?? Thats all me, and I can’t stand it, I can’t even describe properly how horrible I feel, its kind of like I’m constantly on edge of something bad will happen, so much anxiety and exhaustion…
Sorry if this was long and if anyone read it, thank you!
share your suicide story
4 comments
Retail is enough to grind anyone down. I keep having people suggest I go back, and I can’t. So you’ve got more patience and fortitude than I do. Different people can put up with different stuff, and I admire people that can man a register. I did when I was younger and I did what I could to get out of it.
However, it sounds like you might be like me, it might be hellish for you, which is okay. There are other things, a lot of other things. Right now, feeling the way you do, might not be the time to talk yourself into trying new stuff. But it doesn’t mean it’ll never happen.
Anxiety and depression limit our ability to handle change, or any negative emotion. So, we’re supposed to try and practice self kindness. I’m not doing well at that myself right now.
Life is long, that cuts both ways. We’re all in for a life sentence. Lots of time to try things. I’ve been dozens of things, worked dozens of jobs, failed at at least 75%, but that 25% left over seems to be the only thing my family and friends want to talk about. It took me 12 years to get my bachelors degree. Yet people call me smart, the world doesn’t make a lick of sense.
I worked in behavioral health and had my share of autistic patients. Most of them were more insightful and logical than their ‘normal’ peers. They were differently gifted. I was misdiagnosed as autistic when I was young, because I had ADHD, as well as a neurological issue making it difficult for me to write, and then more issues once they started prescribing stuff for that.
The human survival instinct is hard to fight, it isn’t cowardly to have failed to defeat it. We’re all fighting that same battle, trying to talk ourselves into the grave, or into a meaningful life. I still don’t know which side I’ll land on and I’ve been fighting for 15 years.
Nice post.
Hey, thanks for commenting, sorry you had to go through all this, and yeah I don’t know if I could change anything in my life at all, I don’t know why it makes me so anxious that most of the time I start to have anxiety attacks. Still it sucks that in this case people will see me as a failure, so all I can hope for is I can get enough strength to go through with it, its not exactly survival instinct, mostly because I can’t be 100% sure if it will work, and I don’t know what would I do if it turns out I failed.
Thanks again for telling me all this!
LF, if you’re comfortable with being a cashier, that’s ok. I would say it’s a lower income job and I suspect it might get replaced by RFID tags in the future…I mean people are already using self-checkout at many places.
So your job could end up becoming extinct in 10-20 yrs if not sooner. Perhaps in retail stores (like clothing) or higher end, they might still need cashiers just to keep an eye on customers.
You might even get promoted to manager. You don’t really need to be a genius to do many jobs…just a good memory and having some basic social skills.
Also consider finding a partner so you can share expenses but also have companionship.
It’s easy to focus on what you cannot do or compare yourself to others. What you need to is self-evaluate and maybe you can find a career that might be better suited or gives you a higher pay.
I’m not saying YouTube is the ‘answer’ but there are many people I never heard of, nor saw their vids and some of them became huge.
There’s a girl who all she does is buy toys, like Barbie dolls and plays with them…she got millions of views and I’m sure she’s doing well financially now.
It takes time to build an audience, the market is also saturated, but if you bring something new or interesting then people will watch.
A while back I found out about Lofi music, this is really boring stuff, but it took off.
I think we’re all in a similar bind…but for myself I do have a degree and good experience but in office type work.
As HV mentioned we’re all in a similar boat and I totally agree. Our lives didn’t go as expected…’checking out’ isn’t easy so we’re all “cowards” in that sense and are just trying to make our lives more livable…while we’re around.
For me it’s pretty simple…I need to get back in shape, find a good source of income and then find a significant other to share my life with. Not easy tasks but doable.