at this point, i know that no matter what happens in my life, things won’t get better. i’ve tried medication, therapy, religion, relationships, solitude, starvation, exercise, self-harm. i can’t look at myself in photographs and the thought of leaving the house and having people see me makes me feel physically ill. i often start crying randomly in public and can’t stop — it is embarrassing and has ended friendships. i am so sad that i am nearly unbearable to be around. even my closest friends need breaks from my company, and while i understand on some level, it’s also painful and makes me feel distanced from everyone. when i try to pray, it is unsatisfying — like i’m pouring apologies into a deep hole that can never be filled. i was sexually assaulted as a child, and maybe it shouldn’t still affect me almost fifteen years later, but i often wonder if maybe if that hadn’t happened, i would feel like a real person instead of something subhuman. it makes it hard to truly trust god or love the world, because at that point i had done nothing to deserve that happening to me. how can i believe that the world is worth living in when something so terrible can happen without warning to someone innocent?
i halfheartedly tried to kill myself last spring, hoping that the attempt might somehow clarify my life or get me some new kind of help that would fix everything. instead, i’m just as unhappy and lost as ever, plus some disfiguring new scars. years of depression, and a bout with anorexia five years ago that destroyed my metabolism and relationship with food and exercise, have left me obese — which of course makes it difficult to connect with anyone or imagine a happier future.
the other day i said goodbye to the last of my friends from college. we’re planning to “keep in touch” — but it’s a natural ending point, and if i disappeared, i don’t think they would be surprised. the friendships that feel deep to me are not reciprocated as deeply. my ex — who broke up with me a year ago, and whom i still love — would be relieved not to have to deal with me hanging around, and she would finally be free of a weight she didn’t ask for.
despite all of this, i don’t think i can kill myself until after my dad passes away and my younger siblings have stable lives on their own. we are very close — my whole family is somewhat isolated and we went through a lot together, and i don’t want to make them deal with another death. but that might be decades from now and i don’t know how i can persevere until then. i don’t have any satisfying conclusion to this — i guess i just needed to say something because there is nobody left in my life who can possibly understand how desperate and trapped i feel.
3 comments
Well talking to people in person or online is the best to second best solution. Reading helps a lot too which is why it may not be the best. Actually, any kind of dissassociating is top knotch, but whether that actually fixes things is not certain. I’m sorry the people you’ve had to talk to haven’t been up to the job.
I’ve always got to be that guy though; there’s always better living through chemistry which it sounds like you haven’t done much of trying. A lot of it can cut your life shorter, but people in our state of mind don’t care which makes that a plus. Starting with over the counter assuming you are of age there is alcohol, nicotine and a few other substances that can be used to get a decent high with few side effects like benedryl.
If you are in a state that has legalized it, the path to a medical card for cannabis is shorter than you think. You can get a telehealth appointment same day with a doctor that specializes, no health insurance needed, and that is all that is needed to get a medical card at least when I got mine. Of course I had multiple qualifying problems, but it sounds like you do as well. I’m not pushing it, but until one of my friends showed me how easy it was I didn’t know and it helps me.
It’s a damn life sentence. My way of figuring it is that I should make the best of it.
Of course there are medications, that requires a prescription which can be difficult to get. I realize I’m lucky to get medications and therapy. There are resources out there though, and I encourage you to see if they are available. Mine have been provided for free or severely reduced cost for many years because of a wonderful charity in my community.
I hope in time you can discover new approaches to your problems. Today though, try to find peace in now. Trying to take on only today, immediacy is something that has helped me in the past.
Sending good thoughts your way.
Child sexual assault is proof enough that if there is a deity, it is not omniscient/omnipotent/benevolent. Maybe 2 out of 3 but clearly not all 3. And in the absence of any cosmic peacekeeper, it comes down to the idea that anything goes–which clearly seems to be the case. That leaves us with the question you posed: “how can i believe that the world is worth living in when something so terrible can happen without warning to someone innocent”
It’s a horrifying thought. No matter how good you are, no matter how innocent you are, the cruelty of humans will get you. The bottom line being: it doesn’t matter what you do. And I agree, I can’t believe it’s worth living in a world with this hanging over your head 24/7. I guess most people ignore it because it hasn’t happened to them. Worse than ignoring, some people seem to be irritated by the victims (maybe because they don’t like being reminded of the reality of what goes on outside their lucky bubble).
Although I was never sexually assaulted and can’t even imagine that horror, I can relate because I’ve been through a different hell that my friends don’t understand. It drove a hard wedge between us, just like you said, and I ended up removing myself from their lives just like you said. Seems like a good place to end a chapter. Or even end the book.
If you haven’t tried drugs, prescription or otherwise, that might be one last route you could go before totally giving up. There are certain new drugs that are specifically designed to make past traumas less in-your-face. Nothing can make me forget, but when amply doped up, I can see my past traumas more objectively rather than being instantly transported back in time to live it over & over.
obviously it’s not a miracle cure because I’m still contemplating suicide on a daily basis.
As for therapy, talking it out, working through journaling and all those cathartic techniques, I end up with that same feeling you described with prayer. It all goes into a bottomless hole that can never be filled.
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that. That fucks up any person’s entire life, so I can totally understand it affecting you now.
I know this isn’t nearly as bad as that, but I’ll bring it up because I still think about it 20+ years later: I’d been told multiple times by my parents that I lacked “common sense”. I’ve also been likened to a retard as well by some friends and a family member. Still messes with me, makes me feel like an idiot, despite people saying otherwise.
Been a fat fuck for most of my life too, especially now. It’s the thing that’s always brought up.
I want to lose the weight, badly, but having a hard time doing so.
Anyway, it could be a brain chemistry kind of deal, our neurological pathways being wired different because of the traumas we experience, or maybe due a genetic thing that shows up.
Regardless, I believe you can move yourself forward with the right help.
Sending some good vibes your way.