I don’t feel like writing down reasons and causes on a tear stained collage ruled notebook page but I can’t leave without a final message. From a mediocre ap student who’s essays were always a little too amateur, this is the most grand writing I will ever put out into the world. I know no one will read this or see it, certainly not my family or friends, but screaming into the void is a perfect conclusion to my life. I’ve never been special, I always thought I was somehow destined for grandeur. I now see that mindset as a coping mechanism for my overall uselessness. I’m the worst person I know. I turned 18 about a month ago. I was a lousy child and am an even lousier adult. I developed a pathetic habit of self harm when I was about 14 and I’ve never been able to shake it. I’m covered in scars that ruin my body. I made my life harder than it had to be. I leaned into my mental illness, I always wanted to be worse and indulged in habits that made the void inside me feel more warranted. All my coping only traped me in my own head, I’m a snake swallowing itself whole, and I realized all too late. I want to try, for my mom, who I hurt daily with my actions, for my dad who never really connected with me, tho he tried. But I can’t anymore. I’m so tired, what a lousy waist of a human soul, to be wrapped up in the mind of a girl with no will to live. A girl who barely made it out of highschool alive only to give up two feet after the finish line. The truth is I did try, everyday I’ve tried. I accept defeat. I just want to stop hurting the people around me with my self centered actions. It’s hard not to be self centered when you can’t escape your head. I hope the people I love will understand that. Please don’t be mad at me mom. I’m not going to do it now, not in the morning, but sometime soon. It’s not the execution but the preparation that’s setting me back. But I’m not scared anymore, not of god and not of hell, I just want the pain to be gone. I never belonged here. I hope I grow wings.
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Sorry to hear about what you’re going through…people do read posts but either don’t have the time to reply or feel they have nothing to say…as many are in a similar boat and concur.
We’ve all been there-feeling at the end of our ro.pe. I can’t speak for anyone else, but if not for my family I might’ve ended it already…but I couldn’t leave my elderly mother behind to fend for herself and I’m glad I stuck around.
Though my life is far from what I want it to be, I’m making slow progress. But ya overall it wasn’t worth it…my best years are behind me; I’m in my 50s now and little to show for it…but I am working on improving things….good luck whatever you decide.
Hey, please stick around and talk if you’re still here. I can relate to a lot of what you said, like the coping tricks that ended up feeding the destruction. You can’t be blamed for taking desperate measures to survive, even if those measures were ironically to make things worse.
About suicide, sometimes just sometimes it can help to make plans without going through with them yet. If that helps you regain a sense of control in a freefall, then maybe it can help. I picked out a suicide site and sometimes it helps to go there and visit, even though I don’t think I’m at the point of the actual deed yet. Like you said, not now, not in the morning but sometime soon.
I don’t think life will get better, but like a mushroom that thrives in darkness and cowshit, maybe… well, yeah that.
I know what you mean. I stayed around mostly because of my younger brothers, and they’re coming out alright. If I didn’t believe in God I would kill myself. But I don’t want to ruin life for them.
Although Im in my 60’s now, I have felt what you are feeling a number of times throughout my life. My father killed himself 5 years ago and now my son a few weeks ago. I really can’t stand living another day in this world. I have attempted a few times along the way and survived it. Really wish I hadn’t. I do believe in God but am very mad for ever being born into this world and letting me survive this far. You seem so young and at least my son waited until he was 30. I know you are hurting but it tends to go away for longer periods when you are young. Just hold on because you do still have your whole life ahead of you. Just please stay away from drugs. I hope the best for you.
I’m deeply sorry for what you’ve had to live thru, Robert. One fall in the family tree is bad enough to make ripple effects down a couple of generations. The fact that you had to face two and that of the closest of blood ties is heartrending to read. I remember you from past posts, you’re a musician rt? I commend your strength. That was very good advice you offred, I hope the Op will take heed n consider all that she’ll leave behind, if it comes to that.
Yes I have been here on and off for about 5 years and am a musician. I now suffer bad tinnitus but I have large music catalog I have recorded. I even have a song I did with my son about 10 years ago. The only thing that comforts me is that my son is in heaven with no more tears. This world was not good to my son nor me for that matter. Ive survived 2 attempts in the past but my son kept trying until he succeed. I despair of life now at a whole new level. I hope the OP and other younger folks can see they have youth on their side and life can get better for them. Im in my 60’s and the good times are over for me.
*all those she’ll leave behind