As I’ve been working with my therapist, I’ve been reconfiguring my life to be more social and to give myself the future that I want
However, I’ve continually failed at all social pursuits for at least the past 7 years. When you continue to fail over and over as I have, you stop expecting your fortunes to change
Nowadays, I’ve been faced with so much repeated failure (and worse, seeing my peers who are absolute failures at everything else in their lives succeed socially) that I’ve started to feel a lot more comfortable with the idea of withering away into nothing. The idea that even if I continue to fail as I have, I’ll eventually get older, fatter, even more invisible, and will crumble into dust one day having accomplished nothing
Will it be a heart attack? Will I get hit by a bus? Maybe just randomly stop breathing one night? Either way, my suffering will be over. I’m getting very used to that thought and it’s strangely bringing me an empty sort of peace in my body