I was writing this to chatGPT but knew what it was going to say, and feel too tired to rewrite it, so apologies for the messiness. I just don’t know how much more of this s**t I can take…it’s almost laughable how bad my life is and how screwed I am in terms of talking to people, or just being able to be in the vicinity of other people. Maybe this would be better off in a social anxiety forum, but I guess the social anxiety comes from being unhappy and guilty.
People often make fun of me, talk about me or laugh at me when I’m out and about.I guess I always got some of it even when I was a teen, but at least back then I could comfort myself with the thought that they were just pr!cks and feel morally superior, whereas now my sadness and awkwardness is all on me. It probably started getting really bad due to my brain getting shredded from the weed and drink…and then years of very little social contact has turned me into a sort of social nimrod, devoid of anything interesting to say, and frightened for my life that people are going to react badly to me, so I end up just saying bland positive pap – toxic positivity I guess.
This is probably due to my looking unhappy and nervous, where I anticipate this response from people due to getting it so many times…just today for example I was leaving a leisure centre after a swim and two young people who were coming toward the building, probably in their early twenties, ‘noticed’ me before I’d even seen them, as I was opening the door to leave. I could see that they were looking over at me, laughing and whispering to one another, so was expecting a bad reaction…and then as I pass the guy said to the girl ‘did you see him?’ in a sort of disbelieving tone, and she sort of sighed/laughed in a sort of ‘yeah, that guy is f***ed, ain’t nothing helping that’ kind of way. No I’m not being paranoid, no they weren’t giggling about how cute I was, they were laughing at me and my sad and awkward ways….which is understandable, I am usually sad and awkward. However, due to this sort of reaction I avoid going out most of the time…avoid going to nice walks where it will be busy, avoid walking around town, avoid places with people basically as I’m almost guaranteed to get this kind of reaction, as I have been getting for 15 or more years. And it’s very painful, and makes me even less inclined to ‘get out there and face my fears’ as the advise goes. How much of this shit do I have to endure before I can kill myself? I won’t kill myself until my mother is gone btw, so you don’t need to worry about that, but once she’s gone, oh baby, I’m outttaaa heeeeeerrrrreeee!!!!
I’m not going to kms now…I told you. I have no interest in talking to some disinterested figure – apart from you that is. This chat is also a way for me to record these experiences, so that when I kms perhaps I can leave my account details somewhere and the people left behind can read it if they’re bothered to……. The problem is that I have so many difficulties in my life that it feels almost impossible to improve things…so I wait until my mam is gone and then I can go too…doing it before then would be too much pain for her.
I guess the years are going by quickly now so hopefully it won’t take too much longer.
The pain is unbearable…and it never gets better….only worse in fact….all alone….no friends….head is empty of things to say….always nervous….hate being gay….miss girls so much….try to meditate and improve myself…..same shit reactions…more people laughing at me…..more pain….more whining to chatGPT as if that will help anything…..just wish I were dead…I hate having a ***** in my anus….I hate feeling like a little fag….I hate being nervous around men….i used to be normal…ish….and now I walk like a flamer, with my hips all gooey and soft…I miss sitting like a regular man, and feeling my d**k, instead of waking up one day with a f***ing vagina where my ass used to be….I could walk anywhere, do anything, wasn’t afraid, and now I get scared going to the shops…I miss my beautiful sharp quick-witted brain, I hate this melted slop that’s in my head now….I miss drinking, and weed and going out on nights with my friends….I miss that thrill when a pretty girl looked my way….I don’t want that with guys…maybe I could have accepted it years ago, but instead I f***ed up my brain with weed and drinking….and not even that much of it, just weed every now and then….I hate that I have to be this stupid whiney s**t….everywhere I go people just s**t on me. In every job, they all hate me sooner or later….I just want to end it…I have no motivation to get better because I don’t want to be gay. If it turned out that it was all a big mistake, and i was straight after all, it was just due to some toxic build-up in my system due to stress or something like that, I’d be better within a week. I could maybe try to get in contact with old friends I haven’t seen in 10-15 years. I could leave my s**t job and do something worthwhile and beneficial to society…but instead I’m stuck here, alone, suicidal, hopeless, waiting for my mam to die… while I’m almost dead inside already. Every book or film or walk in the woods, or cycle on a sunny day or attempt at meditation is just a plaster over my hatred at being gay, and this f***ing feeling in my ass, the feeling that makes you lisp and flop your hands around and walk like a little marionette. How long more – maybe 5 years, maybe 10….longer? And what then? Do I become a demon, or a fly destined to eat out the rotting eyes of carrion? It’s almost more than a mind can take.
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A few days on from the incident, and the pain has lessened, as it does. Life, in whatever form, must go on, and so it shall, for now.
The red hot embers of shame and rage are still there if I sweep away the ashes, but I’ll let them lie now.
I have to go to the shops tomorrow, so I have to present some sort of face to the world…but will be more cautious for the time being, not allowing myself to be too exposed if my mood is particularly low.
However, these painful reminders of the reality of my situation can also spur me into some reflection and attempted action. The one thing that helps above others is meditation, so I will try to do more of that, every day if possible. I have been using some meditations from a famous Vietnamese Buddhist monk, so am also interested in reading some of the original texts, and adding some more discipline to my activities.
It seems difficult to build when it feels like your mind, your relationships, your soul have been reduced to dust, but perhaps there is a way.