I wish I could disappear so badly. I’m destroying myself, but I can’t stop, and I want to die more than anything else. I’m drowning in everything I have to do. I have an essay to write, two projects to do, four songs to learn for honors orchestra, science olympiad, theater, Girl Scouts, horseback riding, a million animal or regular chores, and violin lessons. On top of that, my father keeps nagging me about applications, but I don’t want to live long enough to get to high school anymore. The deadlines and the walls are closing in. I’ve acted strong for years, but I can’t do this for much longer. I can’t deal with this on top of all of the pain that I feel. The knives hidden in my room call to me, and I desperately wish they were sharp enough to kill me easily. How did this happen? How did I fall so far? I just want the pain to stop. I am so alone.
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It seems to me that you’re pretty overwhelmed, and I’m sorry you feel like that. I can relate–in college now and have this big project for a class I didnt even want to take. It stressed me out for too long. After calculating what my grade would be, I simply decided not to do the project at all. To take a 0, bc my peace of mind was worth more to me than the grade was. Everything is alright on the other side of that. Still in college, still on track to getting my degree.
But holy smokes, youre doing a lot more at your age than I ever did, more than I do myself now. Im impressed with your resilience thusfar. Its easy to see why you’d feel walls closing-in on you. Maybe you dont feel like youre getting enough you-time? Dont want to put words in your mouth though.
I cant stop you from cutting yourself, but before you do, Id ask you to consider that maybe it’s better to cut one of those activities out instead. To take inventory of what’s actually most important to you, and what isn’t. I encourage you to talk to somebody, a parent or someone else you can trust, in person, about how youre feeling.
Good luck, and if you celebrate it, happy thanksgiving to you
Thank you. I wish I had parents I could trust, but I don’t. I can’t really talk to anybody. I guess that’s part of why I’m here…
You’re extremely young. And it seems like you’re through a lot. Everything that happens seems like it’s the biggest thing in the world. And it is for you. It sounds like you need to scale back.
Although it’s probably not something your parents want, at the end of the day it has to matter what you want. There’s enough time in adulthood to be stressed out about a million different things. You should have sometime to just be a kid and goof off. It helps a bit in my experience. Hope you manage to find some peace.
It sounds like you’re squarely in the category of “high functioning depression” which unfortunately isn’t an officially recognized clinical diagnosis, even though many people have died from it. A lot of people on this site seem to suffer from it, and who knows how many of us burn out, kill ourselves, and nobody takes notice.
I’ve known musicians who get incredibly stressed out over pieces & performances, I’m sure it’s maddening. Musician life expectancy is considerably shorter than the general public.
People in the animal care field also have shorter life expectancies. I think a recent study showed veterinarians & farmers top the suicide rates.
So you’ve definitely got a full plate of the hardest tasks. Do you have any coping tricks? Healthy or not, what do you do to escape?
To escape in general? I cut or bruise my arms, I don’t sleep, and/or I starve myself. It’s just easier that way. Luckily nobody asks why I’m always wearing a jacket now.
I was worried about that. It often turns inward. Other than here, do you have any online places geared toward SH or ED where you can at least vent and maybe get some support with those urges?
Like maybe if you had a line of defense, one place where you could go before resorting to SH it could make a difference at the right moment.
The other stuff, life’s stresses, they probably aren’t going to magically go away so maybe the best you can do is find better ways to cope.
This is the first website I’ve tried. I don’t think I could get away with signing up for any others though. My parents control my email, and they are… difficult, for lack of a better word.
That sucks. Yea I sense that you’re kinda isolated in terms of getting your feelings out. I also got the vibe that your parents are pushing you pretty hard with little awareness of what it’s doing to you.
Probably not gonna happen, but would your parents ever let you see a therapist? Like maybe if you just told them you’re really stressed out, unable to sleep, no appetite. Obviously don’t mention anything worse or they’ll flip.
If not, I guess you’ve got this place. It helps in a pinch.
Clearly you’re overwhelmed and it seems your parents are behind it.
I also had a high stress life, esp. in high school and then in university…fortunately I was able to handle most of it, but did feel burnt out by the end of HS and early university.
Nothing is more annoying than meddling parents who micromanage your life. You need to be able to breathe, vent, have privacy and space for yourself.
In school I got involved in too many groups and sports teams and barely had time for myself. University was worse cause I took a hard program that few graduate from (but I did).
Bottom line here, you need more independence, cut back on superfluous activities that take up your time…focus on getting good grades and if your parents suck, look for ways to live on your own so they’re not breathing down your neck.
I’ve thought about suicide on and off since I was around 12 years old and realized where I fit in the pecking order in life. I had my good times and bad but largely it’s not the life I would’ve wanted. I’m in my early 50’s now and still trying to get to a better place.
I’ve given myself till my early 60s, if I don’t get to the level I want to be at in life, then no problem, I’m going to opt for Maid, which thankfully is available here in Canada.
I might even go for it sooner….I had a health issue recently and recovered, so I’m less concerned about taking maid if/when the time comes.
My life is far below the place I had hoped to be at so I’ve really had my fill of disappointment and missing out on good and things and regretting not jumping on great opportunities I had for dating and career.
You’re still pretty young, so you have a shot at a good life if you plan ahead. Focus on exactly what you want…choose a career that’s in demand and lucrative and that you could see yourself doing every day for the next 40 plus years.
Life goes by fast, you want to set your ship right, because it’s hard to change course, unless you’re born into wealth, then it doesn’t matter.
From what I read, it’s shows you’re overwhelmed with too much at once. Similar to what the other comments say
I would focus on ur mental health first. Getting overwhelmed too much can make you feel much worse. It seems your family doesn’t know how you’re truly feeling. It could be worth a shot to tell them. Something like that won’t be easy though. Many people in thw world doesn’t know alot about mental illness and just tell you to just shake it off, but it’s never that simple
I’m not sure if ur in high school or going to college, but if college, I wouldn’t go yet till ur mind is in a better place. It’s tough to load that with other responsibilities on top of everything and it will most likely drown you in the deep
Have you ever tried therapy? It doesn’t work for everyone, but it’s worth a try if u haven’t. It never helped me, but it’s helped others
Also I have to ask. Are you doing the music for yourself or because ur parents want u to. Music can help you many ways and I’m a musician myself
It allows me to tell my story and express hoe I feel. If it’s not ur thing, it would be best to pursue other hobbies that can help with coping
I won’t lie to you, you’re journey won’t be easy and depression kills. It’s tough. Speaking from my own experience, I turned to stuff I enjoy doing and not things forced on me
I hope this helped in anyway. This will take time and won’t be over in just one day. It’s all a process. Give it some thought. Best of luck to u
I have tried therapy. It doesn’t work unfortunately. And my family dynamic is incredibly complicated. (Apollo360, I’m actually in middle school)
Ah I see
Well you’re fairly young with responsibilities around that age
Have you ever told your parents how u feel all about this? Being overwhelmed with everything? Seems too much to have to bare for a child
Sometimes taking a break isn’t all bad. I’ve had to do that when in college until my mind was back on a healthy level
It makes sense on how you feel with all that stuff going on. I’d do it for you though. It’s worth a try
The situation now is different from the past. With AI developing at a rapid pace, what is the best way to prepare academically, and with respect to a future career or even life in general?
I’m also concerned that you are taking on many things that do not sound like they would be your first pick. It’s not a great thing for your developing brain to learn that life consists of more and more things that you don’t like and must endure. Some of this of course cannot be avoided, but if you were to look at long-term relatively successful people, it’s usually a combination of riding through the tough times and being able to change your environment or circumstances so that you can accomplish what you actually care about.