Nothing makes me happy anymore. I used to love playing violin, but it doesn’t bring me joy anymore. I used to sing, but now I barely talk. I used to draw, but my art has turned into scribbles and shadows. I love my friends, but I’m constantly reminded that I don’t really belong with them. I’m not living. Just existing. And I hate it.
7 comments
7 comments
so what happened, where did the beauty go? because if your purpose was to be an artist and a friend, something disrupted it. I’m admittedly a lousy artist, I can sing, but my ability to play an instrument….. meh. I can type like there’s no tomorrow, but actually playing my keyboard, I’m not that good, and I have a guitar, but I’m not very good at it.
Yet music speaks to me, so I can understand the healing power of music. If this downturn in my life continues for another few weeks I might go back to my musical project I was working on back in the fall, I was going to try an play a song from my youth and record it for a video game project. No one can say I am without ambition….
I’m seriously impressed with anyone that can play the violin. That’s a tough instrument to play. It’s like trying to play a brass instrument, my best friend can play the trumpet. I’ve always stuck to percussion and electric instruments with the exception of guitar. I mean a long time ago I could play clarinet. Who knows about now though.
Anyway, what else in life appeals to you? There are other things to chase other than creativity, at least other than being able to perform. There might be other ways to apply your creative mind, I’ve found other ways to apply mine. Life is long, full of opportunities to find joy and purpose. I’m still seeking mine as well, it’s a journey.
I’ve played the violin for three years. I still like it but it doesn’t make me as happy as it used to, though nothing really makes me happy anymore. I really don’t have much else going for me…
what happened?
Everything got so much worse
did something happen in your family or friends that caused you distress?
Yes, but with me there’s always something. My parents stepped up in the bitchiness department, and made sure that I knew that at the first hint of sadness they’d ship me back to that mental hospital. My friends either turn on me or forget I exist. And honestly my mental health has gotten 10 times worse in the last 4 weeks than ever before in my whole life. I’m tired of being the useless failure and I want out
ah, the trauma of being hospitalized, I can relate, it takes awhile to recover from that. It kills your trust for pretty much everyone for awhile. I was hospitalized back in 2016 and I used it eventually to go back to school, being good at something helped with the pain.
The drugs, post hospitalization were awful, because mine included some awful strong anti psychotics because I was psychotically depressed. In time they’ve managed to lower the dose and give me stuff that isn’t so….. the stuff right out of the hospital twisted me up inside.
I never convinced the hospital I wasn’t a drug addict. The hospital I got stuck in was just a hair better than prison. Awful beds, awful food, the patch was the only nicotine, coffee was shit. I remember deciding I would do anything not to go back.
I had worked in a mental hospital for kids, so once I came to I knew where I was. Former guard turns prisoner situation. I mean, I’d worked residential most of the time, but I had worked the acute ward occasionally. Be a model client/patient/prisoner…..
I know a lot more about my breakdown now, that all the shame has melted away and I know I’m not in any great danger of it happening again. It was a job I was working that drove me to it. One man, really.
I guess I’m saying that picking up and starting again is possible, because I’ve done it. The hospitalization and associated trauma doesn’t have to defeat you, it can become something that fuels working on yourself.
I don’t know what to do about your parents, most parents want the best for their kids. It can come out in really negative ways though. My parents ask a lot of me, wanting me to help them with their house, and with their projects, but they also want me to succeed in my projects. In the end it’s just the three of us, so we draw close.
There is the advantage with my parents that they are holding the bag on a lot of money, and that money supports me. When they’re gone, I stand to inherit a fair bit. So, keeping them happy has benefits. Not to mention, my dad is essentially the picture of me in roughly 40 years, so as long as I keep his love and friendship I can see my future. Bleak as that is right now, he’s not doing well. My mom is like me too, and so that’s a picture of my future as well.