Experiencing doubt and anxiety with a dash of fatalism regarding recent developments.
It is foreseeable to continue through the next few months, but the thyroid script will run out and I will have no option but to take the lower dosage and then yet another stepped down dosage.
One step down in dosage results in a serious depressive state with suicidal ideology. It is impossible for me to conceive that I will be able to survive a second step down dose which is exactly what will happen.
Undoubtedly they will fail to see the redux in Levoxyl as the causative factor and will want to put me on antidepressants. It was antidepressants that made me massively suicidal to begin with and antidepressants that made me feel like an automaton, disconnected, unable to function.
Those who love me will take the advise of the “experts” and just like that, my life and autonomy are stolen from me. Committed. Forced to take psychotropic pharm against my will.
There are two doctors I will try to see to stave off what I fear is inevitable, but who knows if there will be any real help within the necessary time frame.
My extinction clock has started ticking its countdown to my conclusion.
Prudence dictates that I begin to distance myself from my friends and family to protect them from what looks like what must be my new destiny. Slow, imperceptible distancing by being “busy” mostly.
I am grateful to have found a measure of healing, finding life’s purpose, connecting—then this unanticipated turn of fate. I just don’t want to hurt the beautiful souls in my life. I don’t want anyone to think of the “if only” interventions they might have tried. We know they wouldn’t work.
Not giving up yet. Not feeling sorry for myself. Will make all the necessary appointments for the sake of due diligence. Will try to find a solution, a way. Will remain open to a miracle. All the while knowing the nature of what I will be fighting and that I will be in this alone, but for God’s Spirit.
I am lowly and weak, may His strength be perfected in my weakness, somehow, somehow, somehow, may God be glorified even in this abject disaster visited upon me.