Lusted never loved

Hey it’s me, it’s always a while between every post i share, this one will be long so please be patient with me, i needed to finally vent. I was active back in 2022 when i was 19, i was still pure, innocent, i was depressed and stuck. Not long after i quit this website a?d almost forgot about it, i met someone online and we started dating, i went to college September 2022 and hell started. Even tho it was an online relationship, it never failed to make me feel objectified and seen as an amusement. He used to control me and possess me. I wasn’t allowed to go out, talk to people especially if there’s men around, not to be involved in any event, i was even restricted from social media. I only had an Instagram account with him only. I was stuck, he came and i met him in October 2022, it was the first time ever i meet a boyfriend and we decided to stay together in a hotel, i was scared, it’s my first time ever interaction with a guy, i remember when he closed the door of the room i locked myself in the bathroom. When i went out, he hugged me, i felt weird and scared. Whatever happened later felt like it was forced, i wasn’t ready, i said no to many things he never listened. I was afraid he will get mad if i resist more because everytime i say no when he asks for pictures he gets mad and ghost me. After that night, i kept on meeting him once a month, he kept doing the same things, maybe with more tension,  and i couldn’t i really don’t know why i wasn’t able to push him away i never wanted to do any of it deep down i don’t like it and it’s hurting me but it feels heavy to tell. Once in April 2023, i committed, i stuffed myself with pills, and by that time i was starving myself i didn’t eat for 3 days in row, i was dying, and i called a friend he told me to eat so i puke because all i was throwing out was blood. So i took myself to get something to eat, i was barely walking, i fainted many times, i literally sit on the ground every few steps. He called me, he was mad that i didn’t answer his texts, i told him im sick and dying and im on the ground in the campus, he yelled and told me i was seeking attention sitting there. I hang up the phone. I survived that day, and when i told him, he said i don’t want to talk about it… then he asked me to have a sex video chat with him. I realized at that moment that i was nothing but his amusement doll. I told him i can’t walk my kidneys hurt from the pills, and i have to do it in the bathroom because my roommate is ther and the bathroom is quite far. He didn’t care less. And i did it anyways. As im writing this, i recalled times when he made me do it and i had to hide my face because i was crying. I allowed it, i couldn’t blame him, it was me who accepted it all.