I’ve tried everything, therapy, meds… nothing is working. I’m just so fucking tired. Plus I took a chance, and it totally backfired, leaving me feeling totally shitty. I go around pretending like I survived all that happened to me all those years ago, but it’s all a lie. I died back then… when they fucked my mind up so bad…..I wish they would have just killed me instead… then I wouldn’t have to.
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What happened years ago? I’ll understand if it’s personal and you don’t want to say. I hope you keep pushing on- never know what’s around the corner.
@holmes… well let’s put it this way, I brought it all on myself…. and i’m even more afraid of what’s around the corner.. what if it’s worse? Thanks for reading.
Re-reading your post about the meds and how bad your mind has become– Are you bi-polar or suffer from a mental condition- besides depression (not to belittle the seriousness of depression in anyway?)
I fear the corner as well, llmorrow. I don’t know whether it will be better or worse. But does any part of you want to stick around the find out? My biggest fear, other than for my family, is not being able to control my mind and its thoughts, a fear and reality that has driven me to dark paths. It scares me when you speak of how fucked up your mind is; that’s the scariest thing of all. I empathize with you.
YOU DID NOT BRING ALL OF THIS ON YOURSELF. YOU DID NOT BRING ALL OF THIS ON YOURSELF. I dont care if it sounds like I’m pretending to know you or what you’ve been through, In my opinion its the truth and what I feel. If you brought all of this on yourself, you would have the resources to get out of it. Nobody deserves the pain that you are in. If you said you’ve tried everything, I believe you. It’s hard to tell somebody with such mental strain that leaving is not the answer, because the majority of people in this world, that give that advice, do not know what it feels like to lose their minds. Everybody has different opinions on this website, I just don’t believe suicide is your way out. Ever. Because that’s it, nothing will continue to get worse, but nothing can ever get better.
holmes, it means alot that you even cared enough to read this. I have borderline personality disorder.. and I fear everything practically. There is very much a part of me that wants to find out if it could get better, although I do not have high hopes. It is very scary, especially when you can see it all happen but can’t stop it. I have a degree… when it’s good, my mind is sharp.. too sharp. I don’t miss a thing. Ever.
And I have a couple of friends, but I am very lonely.. and making friends is very difficult when you are so suspicious. Most people don’t understand. That is very true. I want to stay, but I know when it gets dark.. again, it will be so bad. That is the worst.. b/c when my mind takes over, I don’t always know if I can stop it. Thanks for giving a shit.
No thanks required; We are just two messed up people talking. Alot of what you just said really hits home with me. “I want to stay, but I know when it gets dark.. again, it will be so bad…..my mind takes over” Just so you know who you are talking to:
I am a small business owner and failing. And not failing, like Ive been in business for years and economic crisis hit. I mean failing like I cant even get it off the fucking ground. Because I am so bat shit crazy– I have bi polar disorder or something similar (never been clinically diagnosed because of my fear for meds.) There are people looking up to me to provide money, and I cannot do it. My only enemy is myself-and I must be badass because Im beating the shit out of myself. I like you have nobody to speak to, beacuse I have no friends. The only people I can talk to are the ones that look up to me, the people I will not let know. I fantasize about ending it all more than one human should. leaving it forever. Not for guts or glory, but because the pain is unbearable. The only reason I don’t is because my uncle committed suicide–I was not close with him, but it broke my mothers heart, and my mother is my world. I cannot do that to her, it would end her. Shes not doing too well now, which has brought upon new levels of craziness within me I didn’t know existed, but more the reason I cannot leave her. I apologize for the venting.
Im reaching out to you, not beacuse I am a person worthy of giving advice, but because I AM THERE too. I dont know you, but I know the pain. I dont know you but I love you. Because you are me too. Your post made me cry. It sucks man. The pain is really bad, but we cant give up. Its just not the way it was meant to be. No matter what you have done, you nor I deserve this type of pain that cuts so deep. If I grow to be 80 years old, still crazy, and still crying over self-inflicted pain. I will know one thing– That I didnt give up. That I gave a big FUCK YOU to the world by just being here.
I had a great job too… I trained for a marketing firm, but I couldn’t keep it together. That is very strange, b/c I have a huge fear of meds, yet they put me on a ton of them. They don’t work tho.. I’m a mother, so I have people that look up to me too… fucked up huh.. yea well I’m not sure what is better for them tbh. My dad passed away, he was the only person who ever cared about me no matter what. So yea, I know about the crazy part there too. And I also lost a loved one to suicide…
What happened all those years ago, that I never talk about? Well fuck it may as well… as a young adult, I was kidnapped by a stranger. I was with him for two weeks before I figured out a way to get away.
You can vent to me… and I feel horrible if you feel the same way I do. And I hope this makes sense b/c it’s dark out and storming.. and I have started drinking. Because it is bad again.
Omg. I cant even fathom what that mustve been like. I’ve been sitting here staring at the screen for about 20 mins wondering what to say. I am just so sorry to you. I thank you for sharing.
Did you have any problems before this? or was it this-that sparked everything? Its so sad hearing about this. For some reason, I was expecting that you’d been through some sort of abuse, but not to this extent. Im already too cynical to begin with, but hearing this. Man, What the fuck is wrong with people?… Fuck Them. Seriously.
There is no justice in any form of punishment for people like him, but has he atleast been served?
If not, If you are aware of who he is, I will kill him for you.
I am not joking.
Nothing to say. I put myself in a situation I shouldn’t have been in.
I feel like I did have problems. My earliest feelings in life were of guilt, but nowhere near to that extent. I had a decent childhood I guess you could say. And yea, I have fantasies of running him over as he’s walking down the road, etc… I will try not to get any more graphic, just as much as I have the urge to step out in front of cars…
I hate him I hate them and mostly I hate myself. That’s it I really do hate myself. I’m no good for anyone, I can’t keep anyone around. Those who do stick around I’m continually questioning them as to why they are sticking around and that runs them off. So I feel like how will anyone ever understand me… let alone like me? No one wants to take the time to deal w/ this shit.
Oh God no.. I couldn’t tell anyone it was so fucking humiliating of course I couldn’t tell anyone. As a matter of fact, only one person in the world knows all that happened. I don’t try to advertise this shit b/c then I have to admit to people that I’m so fucked up in the head. Up until recently I have been able to be somewhat convincing. But I’ve been living life particularly these last few weeks with a what the fuck does it matter attitude….
What does the one person that jnows think about all of this? Im sorry for being candid, but i cant stand that he is still out there.
And there is no situation that you couldve been in, that would prompt someone to do this to you. You’ve been dealt pretty bad- but you can turn it around. As generic as itll sound- there is someone out there for you that will not only deal with this, but will love you for all of this. I am really sorry that the people around you have failed you. You deserve better than this.
I really hope that you know that I had no intentions at all of upsetting you. So, I’m sorry for that. And I don’t want you to kill anyone, you seem like a nice person.
That person thinks the same as you of that person, but is very very far away. And it happened like 9 years ago… a long time ago. I’m sorry but I have to be candid too and I don’t believe that at all. Not at all.
Is there any particular reason the last few weeks have been so bad? I agree with you about being socially convincing. I have been losing it lately.
I don’t know the past few months have been bad, then I tried… failed, obviously and felt horrible about it.. not even sure in what way. So I guess I scared myself… but it only lasted awhile. So just now the panic attacks come back and I can’t sleep. And then I really start losing it. As in over analyzing everything… and everyone. Then I start telling myself that I’m over analyzing it and that’s how it starts. My mind just goes in two different directions and as hard as I’m trying to see real, is as hard as delusion is coming in. So then I start panicking over that. It has been more severe and coming more often then it used to. My “best friend” is a constant source of anxiety, because as bad as I need her, I am so suspicious of her. It makes me not want to even deal w/ her it’s so bad. She is gorgeous and that in itself makes me suspicious. But she’s my only friend.
If you dont believe in it, it really never will happen. I really mean it- im so sorry the people youve had and met have failed you. Why something like this has happened to you, ill never understand. All of what it has put you through- that is just pain i cant imagine. But look at ehat youve done since then. Youve been a mother. Youve been professionally successful enough to train at a marketing firm. Youve held your shit for 9 years up until these lsst few wreks. In it of itself, thats an amazing accomplishment. Whats to say you cant do another 9 years?
If yiu were ever to die, by your own hands- it just would not be right. The fuck that did this to you would get his way. You HAVE to keep pushing through.
Have the meds been making it worse?
If you want you can email ne at mcw0987@yahoo.com. Its only me and you in here- we can talk in here if its more comfortable tho.
I know maybe i just dont really want it to. Honestly I would settle for just some good friends that I can really talk to. I wouldn’t be able to work there anymore, I can barely work the shit job I have w/out flipping out on ppl b/c tbh im just so fucking sick of mean.
And yes, the meds have been making it worse, but I can sleep. I can’t keep track of them b/c i’m so messed up so half the time I dk if I have taken them or not … I hate when I’m on them, I can’t do anything.. and when I come off them now it’s even worse.
Although I dont have much experience with mental meds, besides zoloft, which by the way took me to the edge of a mountain- ive had my bouts with prescription medications- xantax, percocets and roxys- and the same thing about all of these drugs– weeen off of them. I dont know your particular combination or which ones may actually be helping, but if ts making things worse, its making things worse.
I am confident you will find friends. I feel like ive made a friend in you. Ehat i like about this forum is that i dont need to mnow your name, age, or anything else- but i get to know a bit of you.
llmorrow- how are you doing today?
I guess I’m ok… It’s light out again. But I’m already worried for the dark.
I hear that. Keep fighting. Is tomorrow going to be better? Probably not. But it MIGHT be.
I tried hard to reframe from saying that i understand you too much, last night after you revealed what happened. Because our circumstances are very different. But i get the part whrer no one sticks around. I get the crazy. Most people cant deal with it, and fear it. Whenever i realize that someone might actually like me; it becomes a nasty ploy to get them as far away from me as possible. I think you relate. Will i end up alone forever? Will you? I always say that ill end up alone in a cabin somewhere, but nowhere if im not dead. But thats the problem. I cant fix myself so i certainly cant fix anybody else. But i hope everyday you fight this. I hope you taper those meds if theyre not helping.
Also, why are you so suspicious of your best friend. Has she given you reason to be, or is that you pushing her away?
Well first off, it did happen a long time ago, so you would think I would get better, but instead it just gets worse and worse. I am suspicious of everyone…. but particularly her.. maybe b/c it’s who I’m closest to, but when I try to think it out rationally, I get confused. I’m not sure if she is my real friend. She says she is, so I guess I just have to believe it. I did email you… My family is no help. As far as I am concerned, they say bad choices lead me to this and that I brought it on myself. I really wish they would just try and understand. I never told them, because no one ever cared to know.