I don’t really know what to do. I’m not looking for other stories, i’m not looking to hear “things will get better”. I’m just looking for someone to talk to, simply, because i can’t afford a “professional”. In my experience, i have gone to see someone in the past, but they have not at all been helpful. I’m not sure what to do, i don’t really see what there is to life anymore to be honest. I’m not trying to get attention, i am seeking options. Maybe i can meet someone who can help me out, or i’ll just hear what i have been hearing most of my life anytime i have brought this up. I don’t need to discuss my life story in public, i AM aware i could most definitely be worse off, but personally speaking, i can’t see myself coping with this any longer.
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I can totally understand what you are saying. Yes, there are people better and worse off but that doesn’t help us at all in dealing with these thoughts and feelings. In fact, sometimes hearing that just makes me more suicidal!
Myself, I have bipolar2, and have had some childhood trauma, an ignoring narcissist mother (I made the mistake of reaching out to her during a suicidal mode, she actually said “For Gods sake, do it already then”). I had an abusive ex who told me I should kill myself for Christmas too. He pretty much ran me into the ground. I sometimes wished he had just killed me.
Especially lately bc my current relationship just ended bc I found my bf trying to cheat on me online. He has been doing this almost the whole time we were together (3 1/2 yrs). I must have the words “SUCKER” and “DOORMAT” hanging over my head. I called my father bc I have no one else to talk to and he told me I should “get a life and move on”. If only I could but I’m kind of broken right now…
I have nobody except my 87 yr old grandmother. She is the only reason I haven’t laid down in front of a train yet. And thats only bc of the guilt I feel when I think of what my death would do to her and the fact that I know my family doesn’t check on her very often.
I used to imagine that one day, I’d be able to tell my children about how much I’d gone thru and that I did it bc I knew I’d have them one day. It got me thru a lot until I was diagnosed with a fertility disorder…
So honestly, yeah, I can’t cope with this much more either. I just kinda want it all to be over with already. I’m sick of being the whipping boy, and I’m afraid to have any hope now bc it always gets ripped out of my hands and heart.
I used to poison myself with thoughts of having a purpose and hoping for better things but I know now that is futile. If I don’t kill myself somehow, the world will eat me alive anyway.
Well, sounds like you have it pretty rough.
As someone in counciling….. I feel for you. I would be happy to share any of the good ideas my theripist gives me. Maybe you can get some of her good ideas and they will help you too.
Sincerely,
James – gbguy1970 at yahoo dot com
Hunnybee. Thank you for sharing that, i don’t feel, I guess alone about the way I see things. I feel the same way about the world just taking me either way. As I have stated before, I know I’m no the worse case. And as far as the boyfriend/girlfriend situation, it sucks, but I’ve been told by ex’s that I didn’t mean a thing to them, how worthless I am, I’ve been cheated on, lied to, emotionally mistreated. But as much as that has set me over the edge in the past, I’ve learned if someone does care, they’d, even if it’s messed up, let you know in their own way, as long as you don’t hold expectations. Well, how I see it anyways.
James. I wish it were that simple, I’ve had these aweful thoughts/dreams since I was 11. I talked to councellers in schools, I’ve even paid to go see someone. I don’t feel I’m intelligent enough to express my thoughts in written term. And I do find myself to understand human behavior. ‘Reading’ people would be the best term. And I do it very well. I, one time, psyched my shrink, after going into some heavy detail she realized what I did, and embarrassed, let me go. I like helping people, but as far as a purpose in life, I see none. :/
I will write a follow up, explaining a bit about myself. Maybe that will help understand my view? I guess. If it even matters… :/
YW Yes, write a little more please. It does matter, well I think so. If my thinking it matters matters to you at all…? 😛 You see, this is how I cross paths with ppl who hurt me. I reach out and say things like “tell me what’s wrong, I am a human with heart that cares for other humans, give me your pain, I can help you”, as if I am freakin Jesus -__- But really, please tell me about this “reading people” thing. I need to have a rest but will check back later.
the reading people thing, meaning, observation on people, whether it be body language, tone of voice, the way someone speaks/types, choice of answers, are all clues in really understanding someone. what i mean’t by i’m good at it, is, i sadly, am 98% of the time correct in my observation/assumptions of a person. i sometimes know people a bit more than they care to let anyone know, things their best friends/family don’t even know.
quick list of things that have effected my mood to go from average feelings, to actually attempting something:
Lost my job
Lost my apt
Lost my GF
Lost some family members
Lost my will
Lost my strength
Lost some friends
Realizing i’m not good at anything useful, just a bunch of uselessness.
Unhealthy
I haven’t been to a doctor in 5 years (no insurance, and i do whatever free tests i can, STD being the major one i follow on, i rather not die slow and painfully) although, i sort of feel like that living this life.
I’m not sure what else i could add. I mean, i’m an open book, ask me anything. I’m honest, subtly and brutally. So getting to know me, i don’t see that helping. I know for a fact i’m just an insignificant spec in the entire universe. And if i believe i’m any less, i would be considered the most arrogant person i know. What if, this is the ‘hell’ that’s been spoken of, and this is the way out, either you live it again, or you move on after learning your lesson. Deja vu i see as being a reminder you’re on the right path.
i have a whole list of my own beliefs (none i can really get into with someone, i have yet to find someone who really wants to have a debate/converstion about it with an open mind.)
I think in possibility and probability. I way in the factors. I also know to accept actuality, and reason. But if i can find a long line of questions to any one statement, whether it be true or not, then i can’t really find myself to believe in what that person(s) do. Weighing on this thinking (which i really wish i could make stop) cripples me from being able to function without a care in the world. Maybe i care too much? i don’t know. But i don’t care for this life, maybe if there’s another one, i’d have much more respect for it, but until then, i mope, and try (for others) not to just find out for myself. I do wish it was much easier for me, i really do. But i do care, and that’s something not a lot of people seem to really understand. Anyone can feel like moving on, ending it all. But who’s to say that it isn’t better afterwards? I don’t think ANYONE can vouch for that, or the opposite. So, what then? If it’s a better decision, why should others matter in that making? Shouldn’t true friends and family be supportive of anything, regardless of their own beliefs? Who initially put it in our heads that this is where we’re suppose to be? with all these laws, beliefs, and opinions out there. why should they all have control of your own life?
Sorry, I really needed to get this down. I don’t expect it to be read, i just want my thoughts documented. This is the clearest I’ve been able to think in a very long time.
:/
and yes, i do care. strangers, friends, family, loved ones. i care more than i wish to, to be honest. even though i don’t feel like being here, i’d still like to help while i am. Nicest way to pass the time i suppose. :/
this, by the way, isn’t my first attempt. just promised someone i’d try and ‘fix’ this awful feeling that lead me to it.
I have the same observation/people reading skills.
I guess.
For instance, I have a few theories about people that post on this site frequently.
But I get where you’re coming from on that aspect.
It gets tiring. For me at least.
My mind is constantly ticking, listening, watching, reading.
likewise, the sad thing is, i never learned to explain/express myself for others to understand. what i say, what i type, makes a lot of sense to me. it makes it much hard for me to feel listened to i guess… :/
and the typo’s don’t help, sadly because i try to type as fast as my thoughts, because i don’t exactly have a good memory. head injury to thank for that.
i just wish i had one of those, close to talk about anything best friends kinda thing. instead, i sort of just have to accept that i’ll only really be listened to/read upon on websites from strangers, sadly.
If I tried explaining half the shit that goes through my head, people would be more fucked up then when they started.
My sentences usually come out sporadically.
There’s so much I want to say, but constructing complete thoughts and paragraphs is impossible.
Alas, random sentences.
But you know, I’m always open for a debate or just shooting the shit.
Ah, I have the same “ability” to read ppl, only when I don’t like what I see, I do the “benefit of doubt” thing, and blind myself, end up in bad relationships etc :\
I am always reading and scanning ppls vibes, knowing that they are thinking & worrying about it etc.
I supposed I was wondering more if you ever use it to manipulate ppl? I honestly can say I have…
We are all just specks within the universe, but see, all of them together make something that IS significant. Whether we live in connectedness or isolation. It’s the same principle with matter iteself.
I agree about Deja Vu. It means we have already lived this thru and haven’t caught up to ourselves yet lol (check out RedIceRadio, search Deja Vu topic, its a 1 hr radio chat about the subject).
If you kill yourself then how will you learn whatever you were supposed to, if that is part of your belief? I can say I also kind of share this idea/thinking, and I think if it were “time for me to leave”, it would happen w/o my intervening at all.
Unless, we have been programmed to self destruct…??? Have you read “Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?” (Philip K Dick)?
I’m Bipolar so I type superfast to keep up with my brain too.
We are all here, with no one else to turn to irl. I have no one either (read my post “End Game”) and can only rely on internet strangers for support which makes me feel utterly pathetic but it’s gotten both of us thru the night, right? 😉
juxtaposed. I’d love to if you’re really down for random debates. i’m sure they’d be interesting since we can’t stay on one topic for too long.
hunnybee. I used to want to use this to my advantage for sure. But I have only ever used it once, and i really didn’t believe the outcome to be the same. there is a lot i haven’t experienced, some i do, some i won’t. I sort of stopped caring.
It’s not a part of my belief, but it has crossed my mind and made me wonder. I don’t completely disbelieve anything, if it’s plausible. At the same time, i find myself wondering why i even care? i notice that a lot of people do, and that has me curious by itself. I don’t really want to think about anything anymore to be honest. i just don’t want to be. and even as isolated or united the world for us is, you also have to understand, we’re self destructive by nature because we all know to our particles that we don’t belong here. We, the human race, have successfully invaded Earth, only to destroy it.
I’d really like to get to talk to you a bit more than just on here. let me know your thoughts.
hunnybee. also, i did read it. i’m still trying to form clear thoughts as to what i would like to comment on (ask really).