I guess I’ve been keeping everything inside for a while, so I figured here would be as good a place as ever to let it out…
Please don’t judge, I know what I did was wrong and inappropriate.
Let’s see, it all started in March, when I Â lost my virginity. At 13. I know this was a huge stupid mistake, and there really isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t regret it. It happened on a Saturday, and by the time I got to school on Monday, everybody knew. So, of course it didn’t take long for my parents to find out as well. My dad yelled and yelled at me, like I had never seen him yell at anybody before. Then he kicked me out of the house. He said, with what I had done, I didn’t deserve to live under his roof. I left my house sobbing. I walked around my town for a couple hours before my mom finally called me and told me she had persuaded my dad to let me come back. The next couple weeks were a hell hole. Of course I had punishments that I really didn’t care about, no laptop, no TV, no phone, come right home after school. That stuff honestly didn’t bother me. It was the punishment of seeing how disappointed my parents were at me and how everyone at school looked at me differently like I had been tagged the ” school whore”. I started cutting. Everyday, about 5-10 times a day. I still haven’t stopped.
Then, a couple weeks later, March 25th to be exact, my mom found out that my dad had cheated on her. For six months. And then it all came crashing down. My dad, stole every penny of my moms money, all the money she had ever earned; from high school and college jobs and beyond. About $100,000 that she was putting towards retirement. Then tried to sue her. On top of that all the properties my dad owned (he’s a landlord) were forclosed upon. Including our house. I know people move all the time but this is the only house Iv’e ever lived in, and it really is the only place that will ever feel like home.
Needless to say, my parents got (or are getting) a divorce. The custody battle is a bloody one. I can’t talk to either one of them without one using something I say and telling it to their attorney to gain custody of me. I can’t talk to my brother because every time I try he just pushes me away, and I can’t talk to my friends because I honestly just don’t feel comfortable.
Also, my best friend, who I honestly love more than anyone in the whole world is suicidal. And theres nothing I can do because she moved 3,000 miles away. And my grandfather, who is my only father figure, since I lost faith in my real father, is in his last days life, suffering from cancer.
I guess this is just the way life goes, but I really hate it, and i really just want it all to stop.
6 comments
okay…… lets see if I can be of ANY help.
so you did something kinda stupid. Question for you. Do you (prior to all this) have depression issues??? Not just – feeling crappy, but deep… can not get out of it depression feelings??
Have you every REALLY thought about ending it? Have you ever attempted it??
Answer those questions and I will TRY to see if I can be of any help.
yes. I have been feeling this for quite a while prior. My physciatrist has diagnosed me with major depression disorder and anxiety disorder. I have never attempted in but it is on my mind 24/7
ok.
So then you understand if you have depression – your mind will seek out ANYTHING to find temporary happiness. Probably the reason for you having sex (that and hormones).
So, since you had no control over that (cuz un-treated depression rules your head)….. then how do you blame yourself for something you had no control over. You might as well blame yourself for World War II.
Right??
but the thing was I wasn’t doing in to find happiness, that was one of my better weeks surprisingly
I knew exactly what I was doing and I did it anyway because I didn’t want the guy who asked me to think I was a prude. I basically did it because of the peer pressure
Your situation kind of sounds like mine to be honest. I’m a little older but basically sophmore year i did the same thing except my brother found out and started rumors about me being a prostitute and a whore going around my school.My mom has cancer and i constantly am at her beck and call taking care of her so that she’s ok. My dad who i used to look up to hates me and left me my mom and brother and also sued my mom for her money and won. I know its hard being torn between two fighting parents and how your dad must treat you for taking your moms side in the situation but he was the one who fucked up not you. He will blame everyone because hes to scared to admit its his fault and his problem. Although you may not feel like the strong person you honestly are! You have to deal with your problems and your parents problems and i know you feel alone. I do too. But you’re not. It may be hypocritical for me to say that when I went through a similar situation and still am dealing with shit but i know i wouldve liked someone who understood what i was going through to tell me this. Hopefully by telling you my story will help out your situation a little. Stay strong.
hey GW. so you fell to peer pressure??? UMMMM how do i say this…… it kinda is a guys-rule to use whatever we can to get you (as the girl) to do what we “want”.
so i have no doubt he said everything he had to. did all that he had to. whatever it took so he got the priveledge of …… “that”.
do not beat yourself up for it. I was no different at that age. HELL, I have said many times – if i was a girl – i would be the biggest slut ever. Why NOT enjoy it (or at least that is what i used to think).
tv, music, friends, hormones, magazines….. pretty much everything tells you that sex is no biggie and no reason to wait. So, you caved. You sure as hell arent the first. And you wont be the last
point is – dont beat urself up too much. Just be smarter in the future.
Good luck to ya