A friend who wished I would have allowed her to be my girlfriend jumped off a bridge and died. I was once late for work because I spent time talking to somone
who was on the other side of the bridge.  There was no mention of a death so figure had a part of preventing a death that day.
I myself have survived a number of near deaths many of them the result of
extreme depression. There have been even more times than I will remember when my formula kept me from slicing an vein: “if the issue is I do not want to live any longer because the pain is too much how much more pain in this world would my sudden departure cause, if I would cause more than I would erase, then pain could not be the reason to go ahead.”
As it is right now there are times I will not drive. A little over a year ago I wonder if it was a level of depression which prevented me from seeing the
car that hit my truck in the rear. It flipped up in the air landed on the cab. Had
I not been wearing a seat belt I would not have been safely secured to the bucket seat. My only injuy to my body was the glass cut to my hands. While the vehicle was in motion I tried to pull myself out through where the front windshield had been.
Fairly soon after the accident I stopped getting to work and lost one of two jobs. Nearly a year later not being able to deal with being bullied at work I made a mess of my personal belongs such that my family sent me to the hospital for sucide watch. I never explicitely threatened myself. When the cops showed up I was able to be in full c0ntrol of my rage. After 6 hours at the hospital they found no reason to hold me.
A few days later I took a long walk in a blizzard. Actually it was nealy a week of walking before the blizzard. I was walking exhausted soaked to the bone , all i
would had to do was sit down by a tree and hypetherma would have taken me sweetly out. There is more to that story but just thnking about all this makes
me feel like throwing up. Post to release my story from secrecy… Â
3 comments
I’m curious what you could have felt when she did that being depress yourself, perhaps that may sound strange but I do see myself having so much will power to save another from killing their self yet I try to once. the fact that writing this made you feel sick to you stomach amazing me that you wrote it. I would get extreme anxiety from doing that. thank you for sharing your story.
I meant, NOT having much will power to save another… etc
Thanks for a response. When she died I was rather numb to it all. Wondered if I could have been able to navigate anymore of a relationship than I provided. Mostly I comforted my friends who were not so numb.
When I meet the guy standing on the other side of the bridge I was skating to work.
Inline skating is like flying while holding on to the ground. That was during a period
when I felt quite good about my contributions to my community.
There have been a number of phases of my life when I have been distant. Distant from a mojority of people and moderately distant from those who had/have some
interaction in life.
Feeling sick is being aware of how a distraction from love into hurt at a critical point in time opens up tragedy.