I don’t know what It is but I feel Lonely. Maybe its because I’ve been stuck at my Aunts house for a couple months with no one to talk to. Or maybe its the fact that no ones text me or called in that time, or possibly the fact that my best friend stood me up. Ever since I did what I did, I feel like everyone hates me, every time I’m introduced to someone, I have a feeling that they know what I did.
Let me explain. I grew up with everyone teasing me  for having hairy arms, not people from school, but the people in my neighborhood or my family. I was called “Cave Girl”, “ugly”, or sometimes they said I was a boy. I grew up without confidence.
As I went in to middle school, I wasn’t the kindest kid there. I used curse words most of the time and I had cruel humor. But I got worse as time progressed. In 6th grade I had finally became what i hated the most, a bully. i created a Facebook page saying I hated a girl. The biggest mistake in my life. I almost got arrested for a “Hate crime”. As I saw the girl in tears, I knew I was the most horrible person in the entire world. A year later I finally had the guts to talk to her and she forgave me.
I know people still hate me for it, and I hate myself. I wake up every moring with Guilt. I know no one will ever love me. I dont deserve love, friends, happiness for what I did. If I even deserve to live.
I’m in 9th grade now, I’ve only self harmed myself once, last week actually and now it hurts to walk. While staying here all by myself, food gives me comfort. I have just realized i might be gaining weight, I don’t like that. I’m trying not to eat, but its hard, guess I could try throwing it up.
I don’t know if I can live with this guilt much longer. Just want some friends. But hey, maybe I’ll survive….
4 comments
At least you realised the error of your ways when you were younger. Many bullies continue their intimidating behaviour throughout their entire lives. I guess if you’ve been bullied, it’s easy to fall into the trap of making yourself feel better by bullying others. (I tried that briefly when I was in about 6th Grade, after being bullied … I didn’t like it, either).
If the victim of your bullying has forgiven you, maybe it’s time you forgave yourself?
Hey, sorry to hear about your struggle. kinda sux at times.
But you DO have ppl who care about you. That is exactly why people are responding to your post – – – cuz we care about YOU.
Let me know if you need to talk more.
Hey maybe you’ll survive…I second that Barelyholdingon. That’s fighting talk. We are all potential bullies and victims. When I was being bullied in a workplace a coupla years ago I resorted to almost bullying tactics myself to ‘get back’ at the people who had hurt and angered me so much. I very nearly crossed that line and it’s a fine one. Please cut yourself some slack Barely. As sansesperer says, if your ‘victim’ has forgiven you, work on forgiving yourself hon. Z x
Thank you guys but I’ve tried to forgive myself but I can’t.I don’t know why. I know people hate me for it and I feel like I have no friends because of it. I know its been a long time since it happened but it just everyone I meet will soon find out and what if they hate me too? Some people at my school don’t even talk to me anymore.