For years I have not been happy. I put on the fake smile and laugh along with friends and coworkers. I pretend to be having a blast when in fact I feel absolutely alone despite being in a crowd. I hide the cuts and bruises I give myself, or make up excuses (“fell down the stairs again”)
I have always hated my physical appearance. I have never had a serious relationship, likely due to the fact that my father abandoned my mother and I when I was small and I have had little contact with him over the years. I don’t know how to bond with males past friendship, I just never have been able to. Sure, I’ve had flings and relationships, but never anything stable or longterm. I am nearly 27, currently unemployed after getting laid off. Prior to getting laid off, I was in an accident at work and have severe pain and knee problems for which I require surgery. I have no health insurance or money for a surgery. Being less mobile cause me to gain weight.
I spent my paltry savings to pay rent when I lost my job, and when it ran out had to move back in with my mother. I am 26, broke, and live with my mom. I am a failure on every level. I have no education past highschool. I am fat, unattractive, unintelligent, uneducated, uninteresting, and socially awkward. I serve absolutely no purpose in this world and am full of shame and self-loathing.
And then tonight my only real friend accused me of fucking her boyfriend, whom I am nothing more than an acquaintance of. I’m never even around him without her presence as well. But she refused to even listen to me, told me I was a liar and she hated me… and she was the one person whom I thought truly cared, we were like sisters. It was a major trigger for me tonight. I’ve gone through two rolls of tissue paper with the uncontrollable tears. I have torn at my hair, thrown myself on the ground rolling and sobbing. THE PAIN IS UNBEARABLE. I have resisted grabbing my beloved tactical knife and adding to the latticework of scars that my arms and legs house. Even further, every time I look at the knife all I can think about is taking an entire bottle of Klonopin, laying in the tub, and slicing my wrists open. I spent an hour earlier writing a suicide note that now sits on my floor under my first stuffed animal.
I truly feel that I have no purpose. I tried religion and praying to God for a sign and asking for advice and/or help, but even God wants nothing to do with me, if he even exists. I’m not so sure he does at this point. If he does, he’s got a sick sense of humor if this is his idea of being a “loving” God.
I am tired of constantly living in pain and in fear of myself, and I do not know how much longer I can last. Part of me is amused by the sick irony of possibly becoming a part of the “27 Club”, and part of me is terrified. The only thing stopping me is being my mother’s only child. I know as much pain as I’m in, I would feel horrible for putting her through something worse. But one of these days I will lose even that care and will finally do it and get it over with.
It isn’t as if I have anything to lose.
Fuck it. I want to die so fucking bad, I don’t give a shit about consequences of it at this point.
8 comments
When you get to the point of not caring if anyone else cares, then it’s a problem. I got to the point of not caring what my loved ones would think and ended up taking many sleeping pills followed by a half gallon of vodka, and was unconsious for three days. I live at home with my mom too and she never even noticed I hadn’t left my bedroom for days. Tell her you are suicidal and get her to get you help. Hope she cares cuz mine sure as hell doesn’t. Be prepared to be misunderstood, you can also go to the emergency room, you will get into debt but what else have you got to loose if your loosing it already. Get on disability for you knees or on medicaid. Just a thought
One thing I have learned from my own personal suicide attempt is that, no matter how you see yourself you need to look deeper. I barely know you but I consider you a friend. I can honestly say that even without knowing you or what you are going through, that I feel strongly pushed to write something. I have spent an enormous amount of time trying to help people whom I care about. Without knowing, I already care enough to write something here… So I’m going to take my best shot : I know that at my age (18) I can’t fully understand the world as I am new to it, but I have had an open mind my entire life and I have picked up on many things. I have once tried to commit suicide and I have just finished reading what you have taken the time to type up. While things look horribly down with no view away from rock bottom as of this moment. It takes time to heal from the worst hits. Time is something that is so hard to come by anymore. In honesty, there are a lot of suicides that were accidents. (Allegedly) People have come to conclusions, but they had followed through with self harmful acts and it was too late to back out. 3 years back I had a friend who had committed suicide by hanging herself in her bedroom closet. They had found evidence that she was untying the noose when she had slipped off of her toy chest she had. The toy chest then rolled out of her reach. I would like to believe that she was trying to free herself because she had thought that what she was about to do wouldn’t solve anything. When I look back upon my attempt at suicide I feel as if I was letting her down. My friend… (I hope you don’t mind me calling you that.) There are people you could hurt by doing the actions you have listed above. The pain we go through daily does build, and it makes it hard for us to judge things with a clear mind. I pray that you will live many healthy years and see that even with how hard everything is right now. Extinguishing your life to try and escape it, can cut out something that could make you happy from happening in the long run. Remember, wine when first brewed isn’t so potent, it takes time and much work to develop into a fine, tasteful, treat. So please… Give yourself some time. If you wish to talk to me one on one… my email is DCFAA1992@hotmail.com
hey
As far as I could understand you are suffering from 3 problems:
1) You don’t like your appearance, it doesnt matter very much because not all girls of the world are beautiful! and not all men of the world care too much about beauty! As a woman you can have many other traints to attract the attention of men. There are many men who pay more attention to kindness and wisdom of a girl than to her beauty and remember everyone can see the beauty of appearance but only a few people can see the beauty of your soul so if you purify and cleanse your soul and fill it with love amd kindness be sure there are some men out other who will be attracted toward you.
2) You are jobless, you have been laid off because the whole world has been experiencing a catastrophic economic crisis and many people have lost their jobs, including some professionals and highly skilled workers! but this period will soon be over and good days will come again, you can find a job and earn money again but you should take lessons from this experience and spend your money more carefully because nothing,including the strong US economy, is gonna remain stabe forever! and if it’s possible, you can use the free time which you currently have to improve your skills to increase your chances of finding a job in future, you are still young and have the potential of learning more and getting better.
3) As for your physical problem, you should know that there are many people in this fucking world who suffer from one or more kind of health related problems, you should bear with it for a while until your financial situation gets better and then get the doctors to fix it for you.
I know speaking is so easy and it’s hard when it comes to real life but pls be strong and don’t give up.
Allow me to start by telling you that this reply you are about to read is written from a place most people would likely never ever consider, by a person you might never meet, and through a social fabric generally accepted as the harshest of all. You might ask, what brings me over here then?
First of all, I am not here to embark upon a detailed documentation of my profoundly decorated past, one that not only survived an early abusive climate, but a combination of social and political events as well. Nevertheless, a brief insight might serve the purpose of breaking the impersonal barrier of blogging.
Despite your attempt to cast a negative connotation on your present, I perceived your reality in the most glittering of forms, as it contains an abundance of life on the verge of eruption. The time has come not only to understand your own reality, but the reality of the world you live in. For a seed will never grow in toxic soil.
I grew up with the thought that only through education I shall succeed in this life. I have even travelled abroad on my journey of knowledge, spent sleepless nights thoroughly crafting projects, taken pride in my typewriter perfect handwriting, and dedicated my life to the noble cause of learning. Never cared about weekends, relationships, or even being attractive to anyone. I believed in myself, I was living a balanced dream. But it wouldn’t remain that way…
It was around the summer of 2008 where I finally crawled out of my misery, that self imposed prison system that left me oppressing my own self. I gave it all up, all those dreams and hardworking years pursuing education in an atmosphere that appears to appreciate personal ability, but is rather corrupt down to its core. I learned to love my battered self, and decided to nurture my soul instead of helping others stab it. I learned the concept of strength as opposed to weakness. I learned that those who attack others do so out of weakness, out of hunger, out of fear. I learned that it is my soul I ought to care for, neither the satisfaction of others, nor the rat race of a false sense of security.
I learned that I as well got tired of the façade, and decided to ride the storm instead of running away.
I can’t just tell her I’m suicidal- the facade and all the walls I’ve built up over many years to shield myself and keep my ideations hidden includes her. She thinks everything is fine, and I doubt she would believe me. She’d say some shit like “oh, things will get better, just wait,” I’ve spent my whole life waiting, and they haven’t. I’m tired of seeing countless other people have actual lives, I feel I already don’t have one. I am alone in this world.
And forget going to get help. I’m already in debt that I am desperately trying to escape, but even just adds more and more strain. Forget calling a helpline or whatever for help, because I cannot afford the inevitable ambulance they would send for me, let alone whatever place they would send me to. I cannot and will not do it.
I just want to drive far away and disappear so that I don’t leave a “mess” if you will. I’d rather just drive to a desert, die, and let the vultures have at me. It’s too late for me, it always has been.
Please, continue to be strong for as long as you can. You don’t want to miss out on something that could happen to change your perspective on everything. It could happen tomorrow, it could happen a few weeks from now. Maybe, it will happen a year from now. Just be strong, in time something will happen that you will be living your life for. I know it seems like a false hope, but… These people are the help that you prayed for. Read deep into their words. We are a community of people who know what pain is like. Many different situations we have gone through. We are a whole. We are a family. I don’t know if everyone would agree with me, but I guarantee that most of us who respond with advice would take a bullet for someone who is going through a hard time right now. Please, just remember that even though it may seem that everything is against you. This community is here for you. We, are family. I’m sorry… I don’t know what else more to say. I would take all your pain away if I could, but since I can’t do that. I can do my best to at least let you know that we are here for you.
~Dreamer~
One last thing… I don’t know how much you still believe or how others believe. I don’t like bringing religion into this since it might be mentioned in someone else’s comment. Although I think it is proper to say that, “God lines our problems up for our life so that we become stronger, he gives us these problems because no one else can handle them. It is our destiny to have problems to appreciate the greater things in life. When it’s hard? Remember everything you do have.” In your case, you have your mother, you have the will to still seek some sort of help or you wouldn’t be here. You have the ability to be open to complete strangers. I really don’t know too much about you other than what I have read. I will pray for you.
~Dreamer~
Neila, have you forgotten that people have their own façade as well. Most people, including the closest of all, will appear to you while wearing a carefully crafted mask. One’s heart breaks apart not when seeing others enjoy life, but when realizing that most people appear to live as such. You got to make that choice, who is it you want to believe? A bird will always fly on its own wings…