I’ve struggled as long as I can remember. Fear that made me unable to sleep when I was little until after midnight, and woke me at four. Anger and loneliness as a middle schooler. More loneliness and depression as a teen. I’m so tired.
I’m suicidal. I told my mom. She said we should find someone professional for me to talk to. That was three days ago. Not a word since then. Can’t she see that I’m dying?
My boyfriend is home tomorrow, finally home from the three week trip he’s been on. Three weeks on a co-ed canoe trip, unable to talk to me at all. I’m scared he won’t love me anymore. Because that’s what my history tells me is normal.
I find myself telling people really early into our friendship that I cut and am suicidal. That way I don’t have to ever break their illusion of me. Cause I hate breaking everyones’ illusions of me.
My mom tells me I’d be happier if I didn’t spent all my time in my room. But whenever I go dowstairs, the kids are busy and she’s reading or on the computer and frustrated that I’m there.
My dad never treats me well and doesn’t have a relationship with me at all. He fakes it when others are around so everyone judges me for not having a good relationship with him.
I’m homeschooled. I have great friends but they live an hour away and I don’t have my license because my family can’t afford driver’s training. And there are no available jobs anywhere near here.
I’ve been suicidal for months now. Hardly able to function. I’m not living life. I’m fighting just to get to it. I’m so tired.
I’m lonely. So lonely.
I don’t want to live. I’ve promised to not commit suicide until August 4th. But tomorrow my boyfriend will pressure me to promise longer. And I can’t promise. Because I can’t think even that far ahead right now. It hurts too much.
I’m actually physically ill from this. Been ill for months. I’ve lost weight despite eating way too much.
I’m so exhausted. I want to go to sleep and never wake up.
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6 comments
focus on making concrete plans to get yourself out of the house as often as possible – a change of scenery is nice. call everyone you know and try to get a ride to your friends’ place. join an afterschool program with the kids who go to school just to see what they’re up to. train for a 5k race. I just think that focusing on concrete goals that are NOT inside your house might help. message me if this doesn’t make sense or sounds wierd to you.
http://suicideproject.org/2012/07/so-you-want-to-end-your-life-♥-read-this-if-it-doesnt-change-your-perspective-then-email-me-and-talk-to-me-♥/
Depression is very exhausting. Living day to day takes effort and that effort can seem very taxing at times. Quite frankly I dont see why we should have to put up with it. But then again taking your own life is quite a mountain to climb. Going to sleep and never waking up would be ideal obviously but somehow I dont think exiting this world is quite that simple. I got about 12 hours of sleep last night and that has helped. Might try doing that once or twice a week.
I am working on concrete stuff but it’s virtually impossible because I just… don’t do it. Even stuff that really matters to me. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I have goals but they’re just causing more stress because I continually end up unable to focus when I try to do school. And I’m physically ill so I can’t really exercise.
And the to the ‘so you want to end your life,’ you had me until the line, “They will hurt, more than you ever could.” That line sounds like it’s from one of the people who are the reason depressed people never speak up. Nobody can know how deep the pain is. Just because it doesn’t always have a solid reason doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Until you’ve experienced it you can’t judge it. It’s like having a black cloud dropped on your head, and you can fight to lift up a corner and peer out, but you’re never strong enough to get out from under it.
I want to sleep and not wake up almost on a nightly basis… I have been “in the crapper” for around 20 years now….
Right now, I struggle to get off the couch… I struggle just putting clothes on, its too much effort and requires energy I dont have… So most days I just lounge in my pj’s.
My problem is my psych is trying to get me to go back to work, which makes not much sense because I drive a company vehicle all day… Why would you put someone with suicidal thoughts behind the wheel? I told him I fear I will hurt myself or someone else… He is still pushing to send me back to work.
I dont even have the energy to go back, and I feel that he should be fixing me before I go back.,.. But from 20 years of this crap, I know it wont be fixed any time soon….
I feel for ya, kthxbai2u. On top of everything I wrote about, my friend drowned on Saturday. I had to live through two hours of waiting from when I heard he was missing, to when they found his body. Since then, I’ve been unable to sleep until early morning, and wishing I could end it all.
I know your pysch sounds crazy but they know what they’re doing. I do know how hard it is to drive when you have suicidal thoughts, I haven’t really driven in a few months now because I was starting to fantasize about dying at the wheel. But you sound stuck. Stuck in nothingness. Maybe working again would be good for you.