I’m so tired of this life where nothing is good enough. Why aren’t I every good enough for anything or anyone? I can’t finish school, literally its been 6 years and I can’t even find the motivation to get up to meet with someone to talk about it. My supposed significant other wants to sleep with other people for more variety and spends all of his time on computer games. I can’t keep a job. People hate me for no reason whatsoever when I have done nothing to provoke it. I’m in thousands upon thousands of dollars in debt. I’ll never be as good or great as my sister. I’ll never be holy enough for my mother. I’ll never be enough for my father who abandoned me when I was six. I will never be enough for anyone. I will never complete anything. So frankly, what’s the point? I’m so tired of trying that I don’t bother to anymore. So what’s the point? Especially when I’m so tired.
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My mother has high qualifications for me as well…. When i became tired of it I decided it was time for me to go because If I’m dead I won’t feel anything. Just as I was nearing the date of my leave I remembered Matilda. In the movie Matilda’s Father tells her that she is a Person. Which made me have an epiphany. A person has the right to decide wether or not she should be let down by others, and I thought maybe I might not meet my mothers standards but she doesn’t meet mine either and I don’t have to listen to her hurt me anymore. So that’s what I did ignore everyone’s requirements because I know I’m not perfect but I also know that they are not either and even though I do get hurt sometimes it doesn’t bother me one bit. I also made a list of my own demands. People may judge me but as long as I can complete what I demand of myself I’m happy.
Please don’t give up on school. It took me 10 years to go back to school after several suicide attempts and countless other traumatic events. The decision to return to school was the best thing I ever did, even though it was sooo hard and I was afraid and tired. Seriously, that’s all I could ever say to people. I was too tired to live.
There are ways of finishing school. I found a small private college that was sympathetic to my depression. I wrote about it to them and they worked with me to get me back in school and help me finish. It gave me the friends, support, and confidence I needed to survive…and now I’m not so tired.