i love him yet i want to hate him. My depression just makes things worse

Before i begin, i would like to state that I’ve had depression long before i got together with my boyfriend. I dont know what to do . I feel like he isnt being honest ever about his ex. you know what hurts the most ? I can see it in his face that he seems to appreciate his horrible relationship with her than with me. this makes me feel beyond terrible. makes me want to hurt myself All i want to do is hurt myself in someway to make myself stop thinking or something. i still dont know why i always feel like doing it . From what he and others have told me, he had a very rocky and rough on and off kind of thing with his ex. i dont know her so i wont say shes a horrible person because i dont personally know her point of view but, she really did treat him like shit. and dispite all the love and care i give him, its just never fucking enough. Never ! and i often get mad at myself that I love this person because of it. Dont get me wrong, he is a wonderful nerd. Hes funny and his little “quirks” are adorable.  Yet…….. he just seems to lie to me about how he feels about his ex. Often I have really considered killing myself . Im done with life. i have no fututre and now even the love of my life seems to be done with me one of these days. why arent I ever enough ? he cares for me thats for sure. but if he fucking loved me he would put his ex in the fucking past already. im tired of my heart tolerating all this shit that just makes me feel horrible. at the same time i cant cut him out from my life i love him soo much hes very important to mee. not only are we a couple, we are also best friends. Someone please, just fucking shoot me already so he can stop suffering. Maybe if i was gone he would get to figure himself out. Or maybe i would lose to his top of the line super tall and skinny fresh off the boat gorgeous european ex girlfriend. i really dont want to say this cuz im not justified but my god i fucking hate her and everything about her. shes just so much prettier than me yet she treats him like shit and hes alright with it. and then i give him all of my atttention when needed and do thigns for him and yet its as if secretly its not fucking enough. Hes better off without his stupid ugly depressed girlfriend who also has social anxiety disorder.