I’m going back over my old journal to see if I have grown and changed.
No.
In fact I realized I’m a horrible digrace of a human being. I only now real in a different way that I’m the judgemental coward. I am the two faced ***** the bullies talked about to my face. I didn’t see it then. Now I realize it’s true. Who the flying fuck am I to judge anyone one? I’m a nearsighted burned one hand fuck up with a bad hip flat feet and a cold heart. I see the truth for what it is. My journals have showed me this. I AM that I tried to escape all my life. I deserved every bit of it. I should have went ahead and killed myself like I planned when I was 21. I was not supposed to be alive. I am some fucked up being. When I thought others were wrong it was just that I WAS wrong. Not them. Me. I am what’s wrong. I should have u7sed that rifle when I had the chance. Thank you karma for showing me the truth. I hadn’t grown wiser at all. I grew a fucking fool. A fucking mentally blind fool. Nowq I’m sitting here going to cry. Why? Why should I I am the main cause of all this mess. There’s nothing I can do but wait something to kill me. But I guess I’m dying a slow painful death anyway.
I held onto hop[e, held on to wanting love. For opportunieties. I ruined them. I pushed people away, I made the birds walk away, I’m the one who causes the sun to hide behind clouds on a rainy day because it can’t bare to see who I really am. All this time I whole heartyedly and honestly wondered why know good came. Now I know why. I thank myself for opening my eyes to the failure I trully am. I need to try to rest. Like IO actually deserve it.
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Redemption