Fighter

My life has really been going into a downward spiral these past two months. Two months ago my Mom and I found out that our house is in foreclosure and we have to be out of here during the beginning of September. My Dad stopped paying the mortgage since he decided to get the papers to divorce my Mom this year. The only time I remember my parents being financially stable was when I was a young girl (age 6-7.) Other than that, my parents have always had financial issues (and personal issues) and I’ve always had to make do with what I had. The stress of having to be out of our house in a month and starting college again has left me feeling broken. I’ve started cutting again and I’ve even reverted back to my eating disorders. I was molested twice in my lifetime (age 5 and 6), and the therapist that I’ve seen seem to believe this is the root of my eating disorders. At seven years old I would compulsively over eat and then make myself purge occasionally. My eating disorder got progressively worse, and by the time I was thirteen I ballooned up to 180 lbs. After being tormented by my extended family about my weight I made a pledge to myself to stop eating. It worked. Within one year I lost sixty pounds. Those were some of the most miserable years of my life. Day in and day out I was tortured by the very thought of looking at myself in the mirror. I hated everything about myself. Suicidal thoughts were a daily occurrence. I’ve attempted suicide so many times in my life that I’ve lost count. My most recent attempt was last December when I took well over 100 pills (ranging from sleeping pills, pain killers, and antidepressants) and I still didn’t die. I just turned eighteen exactly one month ago from today, but I lived through some heavy stuff which has made me mature way beyond my years. Because of this I have trouble relating to people in my age group.

In 2010, after seeing a therapist for year I was finally doing well with my eating problems. I didn’t starve nor purge. I’ve had several relapses since then. I’m 5”8 and 108 lbs. but I would like to be 92 lbs. I know that I’m already considered underweight for my height and I don’t hate my body, but losing weight and cutting has  been my release from all that’s bothering me. My Mom is unemployed and my grandma doesn’t want to pay for me to go to therapy even though she sure as hell has enough money to retire early. I have no friends anymore since I cut out everybody in my life I’ve been in contact with this past year. They weren’t real friends to begin with. I hate being alone. I hate having to go to bed alone. I’ve met this one guy at my campus and we are hitting it off real well. I still feel like I will never find love and acceptance from other people. I know it has to come from within me but let’s face it, all people need love. I’ve always felt alone and misunderstood. The only two people I love unconditionally are my mom and my dog. Those two are all I have. Everybody else has either disappointed me, or is no longer alive. I’m going to have to give away my dog anyway because we are moving in with my grandmother and she’s doesn’t like animals. Selfish ***** as always. Just the thought of dying makes me feel at peace inside.