I know I wrote a post already tonight, but people have been really supportive and encouraged me to write how I’m feeling and stuff here, so I’m going to try. As I have mentioned in past posts, I have depression and PTSD as a result of seeing a friend commit suicide and being raped last year (among other events in my life). Since then I have felt so many terrible emotions, mostly aimed at myself. Disgusted, whore, alienated, *****, selfish, weak and freak are just some of the words that come to mind when I think of myself. I blame myself for letting it all happen and now I blame myself for being such a prideful git that I didn’t go and get help until I was forced to. Who knows how much less messed up I could have been. Anyway enough on that. I was rethinking some events (not the ones listed above) and I just feel so confused. I guess I’ll explain the events and stuff.
Last year after I was raped, a friend of mine got incredibly drunk and tried to force himself on me. When he sobered up and I told him what happened, he wouldn’t stop apologising and even though I was obviously affected by his actions, I could tell he meant it and said I would forgive him on the circumstance that if he ever got drunk again, he would have to be alone. He accepted and we tried to move past it. It’s been a few months since then, and even though things are obviously not the same as they were before, we’re still really good friends and I still trust him (which is hard for me to do even when the person has done nothing wrong, let alone someone who has) and I don’t feel afraid to be around him even when it’s just the two of us. It’s just confusing me because I should be afraid of him after everything right? Or do I subconsciously know that he never meant to hurt me and it was the alcohol affecting him?
The second thing I feel confused about is kind of weird/awkward and is sex related. Okay so since around the age of 12 (I’m 17 now), I’ve had trust and intimacy issues. Obviously last year didn’t help. But recently my best friend and I started dating. At first it was really awkward because of the trust and intimacy issues, but eventually I loosened up a bit and we became more like other couples. Eventually we had the sex talk and he admitted that he did want sex, but he would never make me do anything, especially with my past experiences. After that we tried a couple of times but I freaked and couldn’t go through with it. He understood each time and seem to be there for me more than ever. Anyway eventually we went all the way and to be honest, I liked it and felt like it let me heal a little knowing that sex can be a good thing. But part of me feels like I shouldn’t feel like this because it was so soon and that is one of the things that hurt me so much in the first place. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret it at all. I just don’t know why I can’t be contempt with feeling happy about it :/ anyway I’m going to stop it there, but like always, thank-you for all of your support 🙂
CPC
3 comments
Well everyone is different though? You can’t base your fear or lack of fear on what should be normal in what is really a completely abnormal situation? If you aren’t afraid of your friend that seems like a good thing, just accept it and be happy? It seems like a good thing to that you enjoyed being with your boyfriend, that part of you that feels guilty because it was too soon well maybe that part would never have been satasfied no matter how long you waited? It sounds like sometimes you over think things but I dunno. I mean with what you have been through there is no roadmap for recovery so you just have to forge your own path. So if something works for you or seems to be working for you go with it. It is good to keep sharing whatever you are feeling though since hopefully the reassuarances that other people give you might give you more peace of mind with your decisions.
get help and dont blame yourself god can heal your life so dont end it you are special to god and i love you to john
Aww i cannot tell u how much i can relate to ur story. I was raped to and acctually it is still happening. It’s my dad and his friends tho. But i can understand what you mean about your issues with trust and intimacy. I absolutely hate being touched now. I feel awkward around guys because i either don’t want them to ditch me because i was raped or am to afraid to start a relationship in fear of the guy being abusive.
Maybe you are good with your boyfriend though. Maybe he feels awful and it really happened because he liked you alot and when he was drunk he just went for it. I know that sounds bad but maybe you just need to sit down and talk to him about things just to make sure he understands how you feel and what you are going through. i wish you the best and hope you will always have someone to lean on. I’m always here if u wanna talk. 🙂